


Faith (maybe more, maybe less)

by StarlitCityFairy



Category: Home Free (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 13:15:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15389535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarlitCityFairy/pseuds/StarlitCityFairy
Summary: Asdfghj, thank you for reading!Comment and give kudos if you enjoyed it!This is a work I posted on wattpad.I'm not too proud of this all, I think it's rushed in someplaces and in others offers nothing to the reader but as my longest piece to date I'm extraordinarily proud of what I've accomplished with this piece and I can't wait to write more.





	Faith (maybe more, maybe less)

Adam can’t remember a day in his life before meeting Austin that he’d ever been called freak _affectionately._ He had been called one before, the worst of it by his parents. His momma would curse him under her breath whenever something wasn’t good enough, even if it wasn’t his fault. Freak was one of her favourites. His dad never directly said he was a freak but that made the sickening feeling in his stomach all the worse. It was implied though, implied in the way dad favoured Chris over him. So when Austin strolled along, body of Adonis and strong jawline that had Adam's heart in his throat and mind on repeat of _holy fuck_ it was safe to say shit changed. 

It started when Adam, painfully shy Adam, bumped into the stranger at a coffee shop. Safe to say nothing was spilled, but Adam had turned around too quick, had almost ended in a lip lock with the very attractive stranger. He squeaks, high in the back of throat and recoils like the stranger was the embodiment of fire. The man before him blinks, once then twice before a half smirk pulls at his lips. He opens his mouth to say something but is pushed along by another guy, who stands taller than both him and the perfect stranger. 

The original stranger, the one Adam almost accidentally kissed, had sandy locks of hair loose in a wavy bob, a jawline straighter than Adam’s sexuality and grey grey eyes. The second stranger, the taller, had brown locks, and equally as brown eyes. Adam looks down and moves back to his table, back to the eager greetings of his best friend Jenika, who had both worried eyes and hopeful ones. 

“Adam?” she says, not breaking eye contact with the taller man. Adam hums, still dazed about pretty grey eyes. Her eyes glint with mirth, the corners of her mouth tilting upwards. “Loverboy, eh?” She grins. Roses as red as blood bloom on Adam’s cheeks, tongue twisting in his jaw like a snake, knotting like hair. He makes a vague noise of distress and sits down, hands absently holding his drink in bony hands.

Jenika opens her mouth, attempting to say something without knowing what, before smiling, teeth showing slightly, almost flirtatiously – but no, not at Adam. It seems intentional, and Adam’s brow furrows, lips pursing as he turns to follow Jenika's line of sight. 

A pretty brunette stands, wearing a black tee with a purple scrawl, as well blue jeans that go well with brown boots. She’s pretty, and she’s looking right at Jenika. Oh. Adam smirks, a lopsided pull of his lips, looking down at his drink. He looks a Jenika, Jenika who’s still staring, and smiles wider when she glares at him. 

“We’re both suckers for pretty, huh?” He muses almost bitterly. 

“No darling, you suck, I eat,” she doesn’t miss a beat, sipping at her drink, smiling as Adam falls into hysterics. His smile is pulled wide and his shoulders shake and god, his stomach hurts, but it’s beautiful. “I mean, unless that’s her equipment, in which case, yes, I do suck,” she adds. Adam slows the laughter, smiling at his friend. She smiles back, eyes flicking over his shoulder.

“Loverboy is looking,” she coos, eyes closing as she smiles. Adam glows pink, burning around the edges, still rolling his eyes. He feels eyes on him. 

“Oh fuck off.”

“I would, but then who would save your love life?”

“Chris –“ she waves her hand in faux drama. 

“Chris is a passive homophobe; they say they don’t care but then –“ her hand rakes through blonde hair, pulling haphazardly at knotted ends “-they go and distance themselves from you. I get it, Chris is your brother and yes, he treats you really well,” she stares him down from the other end of the table, “but he doesn’t want you to have a boyfriend, he wants you to have a girlfriend.” Her tone is vicious and sharp but she eyes Adam with love only a best friend can give. He gives a smile, one that’s discontent but he knows. He sips his coffee, and looks at her. She looks right back at him, smiling softly. And then, she’s smiling wider, eyes bigger.

“Oh! That’s what you need, a good _fucking _!” the last word is a lot more hushed, but the previous volume of her voice has drawn eyes. Adam burns; hot, hot, hot.__

__“Jenika,” he hisses. She smirks. His stomach sinks, and he doesn’t want to look because he’s scared shitless by what may be behind him._ _

__“I have to admit, he is a pretty one,” she says, bringing her cup to her lips, gesturing with her pinky._ _

__“Oh you suck,” he hisses. She rolls her eyes._ _

__“Darling,” a faux British accent hums, “we’ve been over this – “ she cuts herself off, eyes drifting to the brunette who had moved to the table where Adam’s loverboy sat._ _

__“Awe, shucks,” she huffs, mouth pulling into a straight light. She pulls a face, “Straight people make my life more difficult than it needs to be.”_ _

__“Jenika, you can’t say that, think of the heterophobia,” Adam keeps his face straight, neutral. Jenika snorts, before having to curl in unbridled laughter, shoulders shaking. Adam smiles at her, ignoring the attention drawn to them._ _

__She’s grinning, ear to ear in a way that makes her look earth-shatteringly happy and god Adam loves this woman. His eyes flick to the side, looking at the brunette that Jenika had her eye on. The brunette eyes Jenika. Adam smiles. “Why don’t you ask her out?” Adam says. Jenika raises a brow, eyes staring at him as if he’s just missed the most obvious joke._ _

__“You have a long way to go little one, but it is okay, I will guide you,” she says, in some sort of faux philosophical voice and Adam laughs._ _

__“What are we doing?” she’s laughing as speaks, eyes crinkling around the edges. She sips at her drink. Adam smiles. He gives a half hearted shrug._ _

__“I don't know but I don’t really care,” his nose crinkles, much like it would when there's an almost painful glare of the sun in his eyes. She smiles as she looks to the table where their eye candy of the hour sit._ _

__“Loverboy is looking,” she says, almost sing song like._ _

__“Your not much better,” he teases easily. She frowns, rolling her eyes. Adam finishes his drink._ _

__“C’mon, got places to be,” he says. Jenika pulls a face, similar to when you eat something overbearingly sour, and finishes her drink._ _

__“I hate my job,” she whines. Adam laughs._ _

__“We work in a florist Jen.”_ _

__“Still, ain’t much room for a lesbian and a gay guy in florist work when people think your a couple.” Adam raises a brow._ _

__“Did you really need to say all of that?”_ _

__“Yes, I’m frustrated and its annoying.” They walk down the sidewalk._ _

__“What do you want us to then Jen? Put signs in the window saying that we like the same gender?” Adam goes to roll his eyes but stops. They widen mockingly. He faces Jenika. “We could blast the Village People! Everyone will know we’re gay in a 50 mile radius!” he laughs, while Jen frowns._ _

__“Your humours shit,” she comments._ _

__“I know,” he smiles. She smiles back._ _

__“C’mon then, let’s get to work.”_ _

__-*-*-*-*-*-*_ _

__To be fair, whilst Adam didn’t necessarily care about finding someone on the job, he did have a problem with working in a flower shop._ _

__Thorns._ _

__Fucking _thorns,_ agony to remove from the flower, agony to remove from yourself. _ _

__“Fu – “ the door opens, bell chiming. Adam’s attempt at cursing trails off into a hum._ _

__“Is it custom for all florists to have a bell?” the accent has a country lilt, thickly layered, but high in tone. It was something beautiful. Adam turns and it met with the slightly tan face of the sandy locked stranger. His breath catches. Adam feels giddy but sickly, anxiousness burning at his skin, flames whispering _don’t fuck up, don’t fuck up_._ _

__“I wouldn’t really know, haven’t been to too many myself,” its probably the most pathetic attempt at conversing with someone in history._ _

__“Haven’t you?” It probably should be mocking, but the raised brow and half quirked mouth is just a devastating combination and his knees fall weak. Adam looks anywhere except at him._ _

__“Uh, no. Anyhow, what can I do for you?” he finds the strength of a god and makes himself move behind the counter, faux productive by shuffling random things._ _

__“I was lookin’ for a folk ‘round here and I was told that you, uh, might be able to help with that.” Adam’s brow furrows._ _

__“Who are you looking for?”_ _

__“Chris Rupp,” he’s reading off of a piece of scrap paper that’s been fiddled with quite often, obvious fold marks visible. Huh. The stranger had moved closer._ _

__“He’s uh, he’s my brother,” Adam worries his lower lip._ _

__“Oh. Oh, so your Adam,” he says, smiling as if he’d just cracked the world’s greatest puzzle._ _

__“How do you know my name?” The stranger holds the paper up, as if its got all the answers on it. Adam kinda wished it did._ _

__“Your brother said he wanted to start something, an a cappella group. Country style,” he grins wide and holy shit is his jaw fucking great. Adam doesn’t even know why he’s focusing on his jaw because that’s not usually his thing but holy fucking lord above. He breathes in deeply._ _

__“Oh, that.”_ _

__“Me and my friends were interested, an found that the _interesting_ Minnesota brothers had moved to good ‘ole Georgia,” Adam swallows thickly._ _

__“Interesting?” he says weakly. The stranger moves forward, leaning on the counter side._ _

__“Absolutely. Ain’t nobody doing country a cappella. We could one o’ a kind.” He’s staring at Adam how Adam imagine dragons and magpies stare at jewels but he can’t be too sure, after all, he’s never had anyone look at him the way the perfect stranger is right now._ _

__“Where are my manners? I never caught your name,” Adam says looking away. The stranger grins._ _

__“Austin. Austin Brown.”_ _

__“I’ll make sure to tell my brother. Or, better yet, I could give you his phone number right now and you could let him know.”_ _

__“Would be mighty kind of ya to do so, but won’t he be annoyed?”_ _

__“No, just tell him your a fella and that your here for the band and he won’t say nothing too creepy.” Adam smiles a little. He pulls out a card, the kind they use for personal messages and grabs a pen from the pot next to him. He scribbles a number down and gives it to Austin, biting his lower lip harshly. Austin straightens himself out and, paper in hand, makes his way to the door._ _

__“Oh and by the way?”_ _

__“Yeah?” Adam calls, anxious._ _

__“The brunette your blonde friend was staring at earlier is Olena. She’s bisexual. And interested.” And he’s gone._ _

__Adam blinks. “What the fuck?”_ _

__"Hm? You say something?" Jenika appears in the door way from behind him, one earphone plugged in, the other between pinched fingers.  
*-*-*-*-*-*_ _

__Its probably five of six in the morning when Adam’s phone sounds, blaring _call me maybe._ _ _

__“This fucking early?” one hand makes for the phone, the other supporting him as he sits upright. “Hello, Chris?”_ _

__“Adam! I got a call from some dudes last night and guess what? We get to start an a cappella band!” the baritone voice of his brother is warm but slurred._ _

__“I know,” he smiles, hand dragging at his face. He can hear Chris' brow furrow._ _

__“Oh right,” Chris says, “so? Are you in?”_ _

__“Always, Chris,” he says softly._ _

__“Great! Uh, sorry for waking you,” Chris says, promptly ending the call._ _

__“Gee, thanks,” Adam mutters, pushing off the bed covers and swinging his legs out of bed in quite possibly the most unenergetic fashion. He probably should have went to bed earlier, rather than internally screaming for about four hours about the pretty boy who wants to make music in a band with him. Adam rolls his eyes, and tries to start his day._ _

__At seven, when he really isn’t too sure of how long he’s been awake he, he slips his shoes on (worn down converse that have lasted more years than actually possible.) He triple checks – phone, jacket, keys, brain cells – and he’s off and out the door._ _

__He makes his way to the shop, in the early light, and opens the doors, wincing slightly at the bell. He grabs an apron and ties it neatly, shuffling to the backroom to begin organisation. He's met with a burst red that’s too easily identifiable, Adam already fed up with them._ _

__Adam hates red roses. The story? Aphrodite cutting herself whilst she attempts to save a mortal whom she loves dearly? Beautiful. Wonderful. That story is not Adam’s problem. It’s just – they’re so _bland._ They are used again and again by people who want to say sorry but don’t mean it, by people who just want something that looks pretty, and they’re everywhere for every little holiday. He wrinkles his nose in distaste as he eyes the roses._ _

__Gingerly, he gathers two bunches of roses and moves them to the bucket of water in the front room, labelled with a bold black font reading roses. He hisses as the flesh between his thumb and forefinger is caught on an thorn. He sighs, before again moving to backroom again and gathering the more favourable flowers. His current favourite is the yellow chrysanthemums. They seem to glow. Glorious. Its a relatively quick task, no more than half an hour passes before he’s completed filling empty baskets and buckets. Its five to eight when he looks at the clock, and startles into quickly gathering up the scissors for cutting at the thorns and cleaning up the copious amount of leaves._ _

__Moments before the clock hand passes nine, the door opens, Adam greeted with the sight of Chance. He goes to smile but drags it into a frown when he notes dark under eye bags and messy unkempt clothing. His hair is still slicked to the side. Adam’s frown deepens._ _

__“Chance?”_ _

__“Yeah?” Adam thinks about how to say this._ _

__“You look... not so good? You okay?” Chance shifts, and it isn’t clear whether its an uncomfortable act or an act of necessity. Chance sighs._ _

__“No,” he moves to the counter, leaning on his elbows. He exasperatedly drags calloused hands over his face. “Adam, I..” he groans, “I just don't know what to do. I feel like I have to do something that may ruin me. I don't want it to.”_ _

__“Chance, it won’t ruin you unless you let it. You can trust me,” Adam smiles, “I’m your family.”_ _

__“I trust you, its not you who will ruin me,” Chance speaks, “never you,” he says more softly. “It’s my family I’m worried about. Adam I’m bi.” His tone is frustrated, emphasised by the agonised furrow of his brow._ _

__“Chance. They're your family, but that doesn’t mean they’re the only family you’ll ever get. That’s what communities are for, friends are for. Chance, your my brother from another mother,” the other man laughs tiredly at the statement, and Adam smiles softly. “You do it when your ready. It isn't worth losing sleep over.”_ _

__“Adam they could kill me, beat me, hate me disown me,” Chance rambles._ _

__“That’s their choice. We have to fight for this y'know. It's unfair but still, reality beats equality. We can only be unapologetically ourselves.”_ _

__“I wish you'd take your own advice sometimes.” Adam rolls his eyes._ _

__“C'mon, this is getting to deep for nine in the morning.”_ _

__“Way to ruin the moment blondie.”_ _

__“Chance, call me blondie again, I swear, you might be my boss but that won't stop me,” Adam threatens jokingly._ _

__Chance moves through the backroom doorway. He leans back, hand gripping the frame. “Blondie!”_ _

__“Fuck off Chance,” Adam calls, grinning._ _

__“You two have lovely conversations,” Jenika comments, strolling through the door, twisting the sign from close to open._ _

__“Simply the most wonderful,” Adam says, tone almost mocking. Jenika grins._ _

__“Looking good today I see,” she teases Chance, but the concern in her eyes is still there. Chance smiles._ _

__“You know it, squirt.” Jenika scowls._ _

__“It isn’t my fault that your a six foot goliath,” Jenika whines._ _

__“Your not that much shorter than him,” Adam chimes in._ _

__“Exactly!” she says, glaring at Chance, who smirks at her._ _

__“Sorry, squirt,” he teases. Jenika looks at Adam._ _

__“I know what you mean now,” Jenika says._ _

__“C’mon, got work to do, so quit yapping,” Chance says, with sense of finality._ _

__-*-*-*-*_ _

__When he ends his shift, Chris meets him outside. Chris seems giddy. He practically drags the younger to the vehicle, and almost starts speeding._ _

__“I want you to meet the guys,” Adam looks at his lap, almost uncomfortably._ _

__“Oh, okay,” he says softly, eyes locked on nothing as he stares outside the window. If Chris notices anything about Adam's mood changing he says nothing._ _

__“I think you'll really like them! They're a bunch of great guys! I'm sure – “ Adam snorts._ _

__“Slow down Chris, you’ve only known them for one day.”_ _

__“Yeah but,” Chris is still giddy and excited, “doesn’t mean I can’t think that they’re great guys, because they are!”_ _

__“Okay, whatever you say,” Adam smiles. Chris smiles back._ _

__They arrive at Chris', another car already parked out front, making Adam tense. You can do this, you can do this, he mentally chants, hands tensing and curling on his thighs._ _

__Chris’ home feels warm, like it always does, and no matter the curling feeling in Adam’s stomach that suggests he’s going to throw up, he feels calmer. Its familiar. In the backroom, a casual area with black couches and a garden view, three men sit. Two of them familiar, the tall brunette with brown eyes and the breath-taking sandy locked man. Austin, sits on the arm of the couch, slouching forward into the conversation, smiling something that the third man, someone Adam had never met was saying. Chris clears his throat. Three pairs of eyes are on them. Adam shifts uncomfortably._ _

__“Uh, this is my brother Adam,” he smiles. Adam tries to do the same, but it probably looks more like a grimace; like he’s enduring some greater pain._ _

__“Uh hi,” he tries weakly, eyes flicking up and flitting to each of their faces before dropping back to the floor. He can’t do this._ _

__“Did you tell her?” the voice is familiar and Adam doesn’t want to look up. He does. His brow is slightly furrowed._ _

__“Tell her what?”_ _

__“Olena has a crush on your female friend,” the voice is deeper this time, more like a rumble from the throat and Adam’s gaze is irrevocably drawn to the tan brunette. He nods at Adam._ _

__“I'll make sure to tell her,” Adam says._ _

__“I’m Tim Foust,” he smiles slightly. Adam smiles back, with some difficulty. His eyes flicker again to the third man, who also nods at Adam._ _

__“I’m Rob Lundquist,” he has a happy go lucky smile and makes Adam want to smile bigger and brighter like he does. He doesn’t though. There's nothing and then –_ _

__“ – I’m Austin Brown, but I believe we’ve already met,” he’s smiling, a quirk of his lips that shows his upper teeth and nothing else. Out of the corner of his eye, Adam sees Chris' brow furrow and his mouth open._ _

__“How do you know each other?” it’s not demanding, but there’s no escaping answering it. Adam doesn’t know what to say, how to say it but it seems that the pretty boy is also an angel._ _

__“He gave me your number – thats how we got in touch,” Austin smiles again. Adam moves to a chair that’s in the corner, but still inclusive enough that he doesn’t feel left out. He doesn’t look at anyone for too long._ _

__“So, Adam, we already know each others role so I’ll introduce everyone. Tim here is our bass,” he gestures to the male that Adam had already assumed was the bass singer. Tim nods and smiles._ _

__“Austin is our high tenor,” Austin nods when gestured at, wavy hair bobbing with the movement._ _

__“Rob is our tenor,” he points at Rob and the bearded man nods in turn._ _

__“Yup that’s me,” he chuckles lightly._ _

__“And I’m the baritone, and your the beatboxer,” Chris smiles, eyes crinkling at the corners and teeth bared. His eyes aren’t visible anymore. The sight of his brother so overwhelmingly happy made Adam smile too, embarrassment and anxiety momentarily forgotten as he’s wrapped up in the moment with his brother. He feels eyes. Watching him from his place on the arm of the couch, Austin is also smiling but not as big as his brother. His smile is the kind you get when it’s summer and the light is soft and not harsh, when it’s winter and everyone you care about is together. Its the smile that’s small to wear but expressive in it’s fondness. Adam’s breath catches. Their eyes lock._ _

__Adam looks away. He glows pink. “Me and Adam can do the arranging for the most part. Adam did, after all, graduate with a bachelor in music,” Chris looks proudly at Adam, as do three sets of curious eyes._ _

__“Yeah well, uh, I could try?” its a feeble attempt at conversing with them. He talked freely with Austin yesterday, but he didn’t realise just what exactly he was therefore. It’s easier to make a mistake with a stranger than to make one with a friend._ _

__Adam needs to stop lying to himself._ _

__“Great! What should we cover – no wait,” Chris cuts himself off, “we'll save that for another day! Right now I think it best if everyone went home and had a good rest. When should we schedule out next, uh, meeting?”_ _

__“Tomorrow if everyone is free,” Austin suggests._ _

__“I uh, I um, I have the shift tomorrow with Chance and I really don’t want to have to bring Jenika in on her day off,” Adam says._ _

__“Uh, the day after then?” Austin doesn't miss a beat._ _

__“Yeah, yeah, that works for me,” Adam says, grateful. The others agree that on Friday, the day after tomorrow they should meet again at Chris' and plan their first project as a group._ _

__Adam is so terribly thrilled at this idea, but dread squeezes his stomach._ _

__-*-*-*-*_ _

__Friday comes quicker than Adam wants. Too quick. Adam is tired and he drags himself out of bed, limbs heavy. Chris comes and gets him at ten am sharp, chatting eagerly to his brother about future arrangements. Adam is tired. He plasters a smile and nods to what Chris says, paying enough attention that he could give an answer if needed._ _

__The car is already there again. Adam sighs. Walking into the backroom, Adam nods at the three waiting men. None of them pay him any attention. They're staring at sheets, a few of them littered around the room. Chris is quick to hurry to the other side of the room, grabbing a handful of sheets before shoving them at Adam. He smiles that wide smile._ _

__“It was the song we arranged together awhile ago remember?” Adam does remember, it was when he’d had more drinks than ever only to discover that he was a lightweight. He remembers the swaying floor and dizzying lights. However, he doesn't remember the song they arranged. Just that, well, the did one. His eyes quickly dart to the sheet in his hand._ _

__“Ring of fire?” he says, voice thick with confusion._ _

__“Yeah! We were - ” Chris clicks his fingers rhythmically and “ – trying something new! It was the reggae thing, remember now?” He raises a brow. Adam gives a half shrug but before he or Chris can do much else, Austin speaks._ _

__“You sure a reggae beat goin’ to work? I mean,” he scratches his neck, “it’s a risky one don'cha think?”_ _

__“It was,” Chris shrugs his shoulders, indifferent, “an experiment. It’s one thing to make music the way the original is, entirely new thing to make it yours.”_ _

__Austin looks at them. Adam had shuffled to the chair again. He really likes it. Austin bites his lower lip. He nods, thinking._ _

__“That's true.” He grins. “If anything, it'll be fun.” Tim nods in agreement. Rob is busy reading. Chris claps his hands together._ _

__“Great, so where should we start?” Tim looks Chris, smiling._ _

__“I suppose the bass and drum line first?” he suggests, to which Chris nods._ _

__“If you and Adam want to get started on that?” Adam nods from his chair, eyes still fixated on the sheet as he reads. He gets up and god he must be getting old, and he swears he hears a joint crack. He shuffles to the couch and rests himself on the arm of couch, beside Tim._ _

__“Well, Johnny Cash definitely had no baritone voice,” Adam says, “so maybe you’d want to sing Tim? And Austin and Rob can still do the harmonies and riffs.” Tim leans in closer to Adam, eyeing his sheet with a brow raised._ _

__“That could work.”_ _

__“Tim has an amazing range!” Chris calls from the kitchen, doing something that Adam had already forgotten about. Adam hums._ _

__“So, Chris’ll cover bass, you main vocals, and Austin and Rob will fill in the harmonies and riffs,” Chris comes back in the room._ _

__“That sounds good.”_ _

__“You said it has a reggae beat right? How we gonna make that one work?” Rob says, a little unsure. Chris reaches out for Adam’s sheet and younger hands it over easily. Chris moves next Rob and points at all of Adam’s annotations._ _

__He says its all about the rhythm and key they play in. That’s an easy one. Adams stomach shivers, shakes and ripples with sickness. Chris hands him back the sheet._ _

__“There’s a key part for you guys,” Adam says, eyes searching his paper, “here. Its a layered harmony, the baritone, the high tenor and the tenor, mostly because it'll contrast with previously deep vocals and build it up before the beat drops.” The anxiety that curls in his stomach makes him feel like it’s a cop out of an explanation. He agrees._ _

__“That sounds amazing,” Rob smiles, “you guys did this yourselves?” Chris grins._ _

__“Yup. Drunk off our asses too!” he laughs. Adam smiles a little._ _

__The rest of practices is normal. Normal as in, holy fuck, three people I don’t know and am currently making plans to spend an entire career with. That level of normal._ _

__If Adam was smart he’d talk to Chris or Chance or Jenika, god forbid anyone. But he doesn’t. He’s a big boy now and he can do this by himself. It’s not new; his heart is liquid, being poured into everyone else’s cup whilst his cup is empty._ _

__By the end, Adam feels hysterical.  
-*-*-*-*-*_ _

__He calls Jenika the same night. “I was told,” he teases, “that a certain brunette likes you.” He can already hear her frown._ _

__“Who?” Adam resists the temptation to roll his eyes._ _

__“The brunette from the coffee shop, Olena,” he says, smiling._ _

__“Olena,” she says the name as if she’s tasting it. “What if she doesn’t like me back?”_ _

__“Then she doesn’t,” Adam shrugs even though he’s very aware that she can’t see him, “but I believe that I was told the truth.”_ _

__He can practically hear the furrowing of her brow. “But –“_ _

__“You never know,” he sing songs._ _

__“Enough about me,” she says back, “you and loverboy in a band, huh?” Adam regrets opening his mouth as of two minutes ago._ _

__“Please don’t remind me,” he groans. “Anyway, it’s just a silly little crush. It’ll dissolve in a few weeks anyway.” Jen pulls a face._ _

__“You know what they say about crushes Adam.”_ _

__“No, I really don’t,” he says, half serious half sarcastic._ _

__“Crushes are base infatuations,” she says, “love is the nurturing of that infatuation. Think of what might happen Adam.” Adam frowns_ _

__“Unrequited love isn’t the first thing to happen and it’s most certainly never killed anyone.”_ _

__“Broken hearts ruin you Adam. And anyway, you'd have to work with him, almost constantly. Think of yourself Adam. Please.”_ _

__“Night Jen,” he says forlornly._ _

__“Night blondie,” she teases sadly, in a vague hope to lighten the suddenly dark mood. He ends the call._ _

__He flops down onto his bed, staring blankly at the dark ceiling. He doesn't know for how long he's stuck inside his own mind but when it’s clear again, it’s apparent in the sluggishness of his body that he fell asleep._ _

__The sun gleams through the window and Adam has never hated anything more. He doesn’t know whether to move or not. Out of moral obligation, and the fact that he gets paid, he drags himself out of bed and showers. He dresses himself and once again readies himself for work._ _

__The shop is never busy. That’s a fact. What’s also a fact is that it’s owned by a calm bisexual man, and it’s only two workers are a functional lesbian and a gay man who really needs to find more brain cells. Although, in retrospect, Adam would have to share those with Jen. He wouldn’t mind. Anyway, the original point; the shop was never busy. Not even on Valentines._ _

__So it didn’t really surprise Adam when he saw Chance sitting down, head pillowed on his elbows. It made Adam a little anxious._ _

__“Chance?” he says softly._ _

__“Hm?” a bleary-eyed Chance looks at him._ _

__“You okay?” Chance stretches, smiling._ _

__“Tired 's'all,” he says. Adam nods._ _

__“Any customers?” Chance shakes his head._ _

__“Not whilst I was awake at least,” Adam snorts._ _

__“Of course.”_ _

__“Hey you love me and my weird sleeping habits,” Chance retorts childishly._ _

__“When have I ever said that,” Adam says, brow raised._ _

__“Are you raising your brow? Seriously, couldn’t tell blondie,” Chance smirks. Adam makes a dramatically offended face._ _

__“You don't even wanna go there,” he grins._ _

__“Anyway,” Chance changes the topic again, “you wouldn’t have to tell me you loved my weird sleeping habits. The song is called more than words for a reason.” He's stood up now, face to face with Adam. Adam smirks lightly._ _

__“Oh really?” they're almost chest to chest._ _

__“Yes really,” Chance taunts. He grabs Adam by the wrist gently, bringing it above his head and spinning him. Adam laughs as he does. Chance keeps spinning him slowly._ _

__“More than words to show that the love you feel for me is real,” he sings, eyes lit up jokingly. Adam laughs harder. He hits him in the chest. The door bell goes._ _

__It's Austin. They pull apart embarrassed._ _

__“I can come back later if I’m interrupting something?” He gestures behind him to the door, brow raised in question._ _

__“No your fine,” Chance is quick to the draw whilst Adam stares at anything that isn’t Austin. He grabs an apron and begins to fix an assortment of flowers that was ordered the other day, due for collection the following day. “How may we help you?” Chance says._ _

__“Marigolds,” Austin says, smiling with that infuriatingly attractive southern lilt. “I would like marigolds please, twelve if you can.” Adam still isn't looking at him._ _

__“Sure right away - ” Adam already knows what’s gonna happen, “ – Adam? Could you get me twelve marigolds from the back please?”_ _

__He finds his voice, “Sure.” He quick to the back, carefully gathering the delicate flowers in shaking hands. He's almost back with others when he hears, “So are you guys a couple or something?” and no it’s not hostile but it makes Adam shake a little more and he drops the flowers. He yelps._ _

__“Adam?” Chance calls out, concerned with his friend._ _

__“I’m fine,” its weak and stupid but it’ll stop Chance from worrying. He gathers the flowers quickly and moves into the front of the shop, nit looking at anyone._ _

__He wraps the flowers carefully but quickly, eyes burning holes into his side._ _

__“To answer your question,” and oh no now Chance sounds stiff, “we aren’t together. We’re just really good friends.”_ _

__

__He hands the flowers to Austin who accepts them. “Thank you.”_ _

__“No worries,” Chance answers smiling a little. Austin might look at Adam before he leaves but he doesn’t know because he doesn’t look up until for certain he knows that he’s gone._ _

__Chance looks at him slightly worried. He tries to smile. “I’m okay.”_ _

__The day is empty after that. He and Chance laugh and chat but Adam is still preoccupied with Austin. He wants to hate him. But he really, really likes him._ _

__He’ll get over it, right?_ _

__-*-*-*-*-*-_ _

__The next practice isn’t for another week and Adam rejoices. He still has work but as long as he doesn’t have to share air so close to Austin, he doesn’t care. And anyway, he enjoys working in a florist._ _

__Or, more accurately, because they have nearly no customers, he enjoys messing around with Jenika and Chance on a near day to day basis. It's never boring, but always calm. Except for moments like these._ _

__To the outside world, it probably sounds like a party; music raised louder, raucous laughter that seems endless to the passerby. It’s really not; it’s just them bouncing around giggling like they're six year olds at a birthday party. It’s fun. It’s freeing. Adam wouldn’t change it for the world. And anyway, its the pre-party type if party._ _

__Jenika knocks back the least alcoholic drink in existence, smiling as Chance says something. He’s got a stoic expression, hands on his hips saying something bizarre but Adam's had a drink or two and he’s laughing so hard he doesn’t know what._ _

__“Aren’t Avi and uh, what’s his name –“ Jenika's hand spins in the air as she tries to remember something and then, “ – Matt! Avi and Matt are supposed to be dropping by right about now aren't they?” Adam looks at the clock above the door._ _

__He gives a weak shrug. “They should be, yeah.” But then again, Matt and Avi weren't exactly known for their time keeping, more so their inability to be quiet._ _

__“What do you thinks keepin' 'em?” Chance waggles his brows exaggeratedly, grinning dirtily. Adam bursts out laughing, as does Jenika, doubled over and clutching stomachs._ _

__“Oh my god, Chance,” she gets out breathlessly. She’s grinning widely, ear to ear. Chance rolls his eyes, smiling._ _

__“You were thinking it too!” He says accusingly. The bells rings._ _

__“Thinking what too?” Avi says, brow raised and hand still keeping the door open. A few seconds later, Matt stands behind him grinning at him. “No seriously, thinking what too?” Jenika eyes Chance out of the corner of her vision._ _

__“Chance suggested what was keeping you two, was that you guys were fucking,” Avi snorts, but Matt looks bashful._ _

__“Just because we don’t like you guys doesn’t mean we were screwing,” he retorts childishly, sticking his tongue out. Adam snorts, catching Avi’s attention, sticking his own tongue out._ _

__“Now, now, children,” Chance mockingly says, smiling at the childish duo. Adam points at Avi._ _

__“He started it!” Avi pulls an expression of faux hurt._ _

__“Did you really just tell on me? I swear Rupp your not too tall that I can’t – “ Jenika hushes them._ _

__“C’mon, best to get to get going now, while we’re not half way into whose fault it is,” she smirks. Adam pouts childishly arms crossed across his chest._ _

__“Meanie,” he says looking at Jenika. She rolls her eyes._ _

__“C’mon brat.”_ _

__Being locked away in a shop makes someone forget how hot a Georgian summer actually is; the skies blisteringly warm on skin, rushing air briefly cooling. The car feels excessively warm and Adam really just wants to be there already._ _

__Jenika sits in shotgun, one arm out of the window rejoicing in the passing air. Chance drives, sunglasses slightly skewed on his face. Matt and Avi drive behind them, something about not wanting to leave the car outside the shop. Adam’s thankful they aren’t pressed up against him in the back of the car or the heat would burn through his skin._ _

__The party that they’re actually heading to isn’t something of a grand nature; more or less a bunch of friends drinking and sleeping in the same house. Adam’s legs are thankful when they pull up at the house, tense and taut from being sat down._ _

__“Thank god,” he mutters. Jenika smiles easily at him._ _

__“Gonna be fun, huh?” she says. Adam sighs, somewhat tiredly._ _

__“Gonna have to be,” he says._ _

__Jenika shrugs her shoulders, “Who knows, maybe you’ll get to kiss a pretty boy.” Her grin is teasing, but Adam’s pulse still spikes. He glows crimson, dragging a hand exaggeratedly down his face._ _

__She grins knowingly. “C’mon cowboy, lets see if we can find someone to kiss the daylights out o’ ya!” she drags him to the house, shouting “Hi!” as loud as she can, pulling him into the living area._ _

__The couches have been pushed against the walls, making more space for the group that was expected to gather. In the centre, leaning casually on the couches are, Kevin, Kirstin, Scott and Mitch; Adam presumed that they were still waiting on the others. Jenika sits by Kirstin, immediately jumping into conversation about something that Adam doesn’t particularly care. He himself is sat beside Kevin, the fellow beatboxer grinning at him._ _

__“Who we waiting on?” Chance says, sitting beside Mitch, the smaller elbowing him in his side with a mischievous glint in his eyes. Avi and Matt walk in, Matt’s hand tucked into the back pocket of Avi’s jeans, Avi’s arm wrapped around his waist._ _

__“Beside from the lovebirds,” Scott says, teasingly, “we still got Chris to come,” he looks at Adam who nods, “and he said something about inviting others.” All of a sudden, Adam knows his plans of avoiding Austin for a week have failed. He really hates his brother right now._ _

__“Oh,” it comes out a bit strangled, a bit breathless but it doesn’t draw too much attention. Adam’s heat is in his throat and he really doesn’t want to be here anymore but that doesn’t matter because he is here. He breathes. His lungs are tight and too big all at once. He wants to curse Austin out._ _

__There’s knocking on the door. Adam’s chest constricts a little. Mitch answers in, and he returns with the four people Adam was expecting to see. His attempts at breathing are weak, but he’ll make it through a night, right?_ _

__Right?_ _

__*-*-*-*-*  
Adam doesn't know how to best describe his experience. Its a train-wreck, something incoherent that’s for sure. _ _

__At some point a drink is shoved in his hand and he greedily drinks it like a dying man and an oasis. The taste is burning and Adam really doesn’t like it but it stops him thinking about anything else. However, the party wouldn’t be one their parties if they didn’t play some ’immature’ game._ _

__Scott downs the last of his drink while Mitch gathers everybody into the living room. They sit in a sloppy circle, Avi so drunk he has to lean against Matt, pressed back to chest. Kevin is still next to him and his presence is comforting._ _

__Scott places the empty bottle in the middle, grins knowingly at everyone. “Truth or dare?”_ _

__“What are we, thirteen?” Jenika shoots back but she grins back at Scott who in turn snorts._ _

__“Yup,” he says._ _

__There’s a chorus of “fine” and then the bottle is spinning, slowing and then stopping at Chris. He grins almost childishly._ _

__“So,” Scott grins, “truth or dare?”_ _

__“Uh, truth,” Chris says. Scott looks thoughtful._ _

__“Where did you lose your virginity?” Chris glows red. He half covers his face, smiling embarrassedly whilst everyone waits on him._ _

__“In the back of 1976 Chevy Impala,” he looks nervous almost, worrying his lower lip. He quickly grabs the bottle and spins it while everyone else crumples in laughter. It slows and comes to land on Kevin, just barely._ _

__Chris has a hilariously dangerous look. “Truth or dare?” his eyes flick to Adam briefly._ _

__Kevin pauses in thought for a moment. “Dare,” he says it almost slowly as he were treading on a minefield. To be fair, Adam thinks, that kind of apprehension is to be expected from someone who choses dare. Chris gives a lopsided smirk._ _

__“Kiss the person - ” Adam already hates this, hates the way his brothers eyes narrow in on him, “ – on your right, for a minute.” Adam, was indeed, on Kevin’s right. His face glows and Scott wolf whistles, grinning happily at Adam and Kevin who turned away bashfully._ _

__“C’mon Adam, you can do it,” Jenika says, puckering her mouth mockingly. Adam glows crimson._ _

__“You gotta do it, it’s a dare,” Mitch supplies unhelpfully, dark eyes knowing and mouth quirked up dangerously._ _

__Adam looks at Kevin and Kevin looks at Adam. Everyone falls silent. He leans in, hand supporting him, Kevin mimicking him. Breath fans over his face and it smells like orange juice. Adam licks his lips and Kevin does too._ _

__The first touch of their lips is slow, and distantly, Adam is aware of someone counting down. His eyes are closed. Its slow and soft, but eventually grows hungry. Adam’s tongue licks Kevin’s lower lip, who surprisingly lets Adams tongue in, curling and fighting as they press closer. Kevin’s teeth bite his lips and Adam moans softly._ _

__Jenika laughs, and Adam pulls away breathless, eyes still closed. “I told you, I told you –“ Adam reaches over to flick her in the arm, face burning. Next to him, Kevin grins and knocks Adam's arm and that makes something in Adam relax – it wasn't a romantic thing._ _

__Kevin reaches for the bottle and spins it, watching it and waiting for who it lands on. It lands on Kirstin. The woman grins. She chooses truth._ _

__“Something you regret,” Kirstin looks thoughtful for a moment._ _

__“Dating any men,” she deadpans. Jenika snorts._ _

__“Here, here,” she raises her beer bottle to Kirstin, the other following suit._ _

__Kirstin spins the bottle. It lands on Mitch. Mitch chooses truth. Kirstin’s head lolls back, groaning, “boring,” before thinking._ _

__“Your first kiss?” she says weakly, no effort in her question._ _

__“Cindy,” Mitch says quickly, looking happy with a small smile on his face._ _

__The game continues like that for a few more rounds – Austin is dared by Scott to do an impression of someone, so Austin does a mockingly deep voice and says something (Adam thinks it was something along the lines of “y'all be idiots,” although he has no idea who it’s supposed to be) and Adam’s heart keeps beating. Adam’s drunk another three bottles before the end. Finally, Jenika is dared by Avi to do something. He doesn’t say it out loud though, crawling over and whispering in her ear, grinning when he pulls away and moves back to Matt._ _

__“Hm,” she’s lost in thought. Eventually she reaches over with hand and pulls on Chris' hat. She removes it and moves closer so that their heads are touching, hair draping over his bald head. “There. Now your pretty.” She grins widely, falling into almost hysterical laughter as Chris elbows her in her side, wearing a wide grin of his own._ _

__“Bitch,” he says, almost affectionately, and Jenika snorts._ _

__“Love you too,” she says sarcastically. Mitch is not distracted by the change._ _

__“C’mon Adam, your the last one to go,” his grin is devious._ _

__Adam smiles shyly, sipping at his beer before saying, “Truth.” Jenika grins._ _

__“Is there anyone in this room that you’d sleep with?” She asks. Adam pulls a face, looking down at the floor. He takes another drink._ _

__“Yes. No more games now, its boring,” he complains._ _

__It seems everyone else agrees with him as Mitch gets up to play music, a shuffled playlist. Some people move and Adam is one of them, getting up on slightly shaky legs to the kitchen. He leans against the counter helping himself to a fresh beer, away from everyone else. He is happy to be away from the others, because whilst he may love them, they are difficult to deal with collectively._ _

__He’s lost in thought and doesn’t realise he’s no longer alone in the kitchen until someone clears their throat._ _

__“Adam?” It’s Austin._ _

__Maybe its the copious amount of alcohol in his veins or his overwhelming attraction to the male in front of him, but he feels flushed, hot and nervous like there’s a zoo wild in his stomach. He almost can’t breath but then he’s drinking and turning to meet Austin’s gaze. His eyes are dark, or maybe that’s the lack of light._ _

__“Yeah?” it comes out a little higher, a little more slurred, than he wants but he’s barely standing up with the support of the counter._ _

__Austin has his brow furrowed in concern. “You okay, buddy?”_ _

__Adam struggles to find words because he’s a lightweight and maybe he’s drank more than he should’ve because its catching up to him now. His eyes go wide, and he’s muttering a “sorry” as he pushes past Austin, bottle abandoned on the counter. He clutches his mouth with one hand, his other pushing the bathroom door open and he’s heaving the empty contents of his stomach into the white porcelain._ _

__He’s not alone for long. The door that was partially closed him is now fully opened. There’s hands on his shoulders, and someone is moving him upright. He groans, trying to move himself closer to the toilet as his stomach flips again. He’s assisted again, this time, hands hold back his hair and keep his head steady, easing the swaying of the world around him._ _

__Eventually, when he moves to lean back against the wall, the body pulls away, moving to the sink if Adam is right. He is right, and is proven right when there’s a hand on his neck and a cup at his lips. Adam distantly realises he might actually know who’s helping him if he were to open his eyes. He leans up to take a drink._ _

__Tiredly, his eyes open, and he winces slightly at the lights before Austin comes into focus. It makes sense and Adam feels nervous and embarrassed._ _

__“’m sorry,” it’s slurred and he's leaning away from Austin._ _

__“It’s okay,” Austin shushes him, bringing him closer and making him drink more of the water. His accent is oddly relaxing, Adam thinks, eyes falling shut. Its sweet._ _

__Austin stays with him, keeps making him drink and saying absolutely anything that comes to mind. Eventually they shuffle around and he falls asleep, head on Austin’s shoulder, the other mans arm wrapped around him to keep him supported._ _

__-*-*-*-*_ _

__Adam was grateful. The water had helped immensely and for that, Adam said thank you no less than twenty times to Austin the morning after. Austin didn’t seemed too fazed by the fact that he’d seen Adam throw up. Adam burns crimson the entire time. He’s thankful when he, Chance and Jenika leave although, he will miss his friends._ _

__The next week is over before it’s begun. Adam is worried. Worried because of practice and making an idiot of himself in front of Austin. He made a promise though. And it’s not as if embarrassment ever killed anyone._ _

__By the time the next practice actually does roll around, Adam can only pray that he won’t fuck it up._ _

__He assumes he’s the first to arrive because the car isn’t there yet. He’s right. When Chris let’s him in he goes to the back room to find it empty. Chris follows him in, sitting on the arm of the couch whilst Adam sits in his favourite chair. Chris looks at him for a moment before speaking._ _

__“I’m sorry,” he says softly. Adam's brow knits together, confused._ _

__“Why?”_ _

__“I made Kevin kiss you,” Chris bites his lower lip, “you looked uncomfortable.”_ _

__Adam's brow relaxes, “oh, that. I was fine,” he says certainly, “was less fine when I started puking in front of Austin but that’s to be expected.” Chris snorts, smiling with relief._ _

__“Lightweight,” Chris says, smiling. Adam hums as he looks at his brother._ _

__“What song are we practising this week, again?”_ _

__“Ring of fire, blondie,” Adam groans._ _

__“I hate you and I hate Chance,” he laughs._ _

__Chris’ eyes go wide in faux offense, “oh no, what will we ever do?”_ _

__“Fuck off,” he says, elongating the last syllable. Chris rolls his eyes but gets up and moved to gather some sheets. He hands Adam his sheet. There’s a knock. Adam’s stomach knots. Chris leaves and returns with the three faces Adam still has yet to become fully acquainted with._ _

__He focuses on the paper in his hands. There’s murmuring, the others talking quietly among themselves._ _

__“So should we begin?” Chris says, grinning that wide grin again. “I can’t wait to hear how it sounds.” He sounds like an energetic child. Adam smiles._ _

__“So,” Chris begins, “Tim has lead vocals, Austin, Rob and me, on the harmonies,” he frowns and his brow furrows lightly. He grabs a pen and hastily scribbles something out whilst muttering god knows what under his breath. “Sorry, just made the wrong note. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Austin, Rob and I on the harmonies and Adam on the beatboxing,” he raises a brow, as if to double check whether the sentence was right or not. Everyone nods._ _

__That’s how they spend the next few hours; Tim mostly on lead vocals, accompanied by Austin, Rob and Chris, with Adam providing the beat and rhythm. It was surprisingly fun. Every time they messed up or one of them made an easy mistake, it sent them into fits of laughter. And after all, they do say that laughter is the best medicine. With each laugh and crinkling smile, Adam felt the knots in his stomach untangle and erratic rhythm of his heart settle. He was comfortable. They’ve probably gone through it for the twenty-sixth or seventh time, but all Adam really remembers is the rumble of Chris' stomach._ _

__His eyes dart up quickly, giggling at the blush on his brothers face. “Uh, anyone else hungry?” Chris asks. Tim hums from his place on the couch, head leaned back onto the pillow. Austin nods._ _

__“Yeah, I could really do with something to eat right about now,” he smiles and Adam’s heart melts a little._ _

__“Same here,” Adam murmurs. Out of the corner of his eye, Adam vaguely notes Rob and Tim nodding. Chris looks at all of them individually before nodding and clapping his hands together._ _

__“So, Chinese take out or Chick-fil-A?” Chris asks, shuffling papers around in an attempt to tidy._ _

__“Chick-fil-A all the way,” Tim calls out, grinning. Adam looks offended._ _

__“Chinese take out is better,” Adam says, smiling when Tim turns to look at him._ _

__“You don’t want t’ have this argument,” he says, almost like a threat, but the easy grin on his face betrays it. Chris snorts._ _

__“I hate to do this to you, brother – “_ _

__“God, no, traitor!” Adam says dramatically, grinning widely._ _

__“ – Tim has a point,” Chris finishes, affectionately rolling his eyes._ _

__“I’m gonna have to side with Adam on this one,” Rob says, smiling at the children he’s surrounded by. “Chinese is the better option.”_ _

__“Thank you,” Adam says, turning to Austin. His heart stutters. His breath does too. “What about you?”_ _

__Austin sucks in his lower lip, forehead and nose wrinkling as if in deep thought. Cute. “Chinese, simply because I don’t like Chick-fil-A.” He looks back up at Adam and smiles. Adam holds his gaze for a second before moving it to Chris._ _

__“Seems like I have majority vote,” Adam muses, smiling happily. Chris rolls his eyes again, but nonetheless picks up the phone to call the local Chinese._ _

__When it arrives, they practically devour it. Adam hardly stops to breath. Adam feels calm. Strangely it scares him. He ignores. They chat mindlessly about this and that (this person is attractive and that person is and Adam doesn’t know who anyone is. He huffs laugh, looking between his – friends? Is that the right word? Acquaintances doesn’t do them justice but friends is more, personal._ _

__He looks between his friends, Austin looking agitated as he engages in conversation with Chris, expression oddly endearing. He looks at Tim and Rob, the much more relaxed conversational duo and the easy comfort they share. He looks back down at his food before eating some more, the others somewhat mindlessly shovelling food into their mouths between sentences._ _

__“Adam, you okay? You’re a little quiet,” Chris observes pulling Adam out of a daze. Adam swallows the food he’s eating, tongue darting out to lick his lips for a moment._ _

__Adam smiles, not showing his teeth. “I’m great, jus’ really hungry.” He eats more as if to emphasis his point and Chris accepts his answer._ _

__This could be better than Adam expected._ _

__-*-*-*-_ _

__That was how they worked. They chose songs (some Tim had wrote and Adam fell in love a little because wow, the range of a god and the words of a wise man) and they practised till perfection, and then, they played live. They planned their big debut tour and Adam was anxious but enthusiastic. They all were. And they owned it. People loved it, loved their interactions whilst on stage, and loved them. It made Adam a little giddy._ _

__But, it would seem, that his heart was set on drowning without letting him die. Austin's smile seemed to grow sweeter, laughter more loveable and eyes more captivating. It made Adam frustrated and lovesick. He could only really explain it as being a rock, carelessly tossed into the ocean, sinking, sinking, sin –_ _

__“Adam? You there buddy?” Chance clicks his fingers in Adam’s face, brow raised in concern. The blond looks dazedly up at the other man, brow knitted together as he tries to remember anything else other than Austin._ _

__“Uh, yeah,” he massages the bridge of his nose, blinking his eyes slowly. “I’m good Chance.”_ _

__Chance raises an unconvinced brow. “Sure you are,” Adam frowns at the sarcasm. “Listen, if you were okay, you wouldn’t be looking like someone just killed your dog.”_ _

__Adam’s deepens. “I’m fine,” he protests._ _

__“Aha! We’re already down from good to fine,” Chance says._ _

__Adam groans and brings both of his hands to tug hopelessly at blond strands, head cradled between his forearms, elbows planted on the table. “I don’t know what to do, Chance,” his voice is weak, and he’s all but given up. “I really like him, I actually think I’m starting to love him.”_ _

__Chance makes an empathetic noise and grabs a chair, sitting next to him. He pats his back. “I’m sorry buddy, I know it sucks,” Chance frowns before licking his lips. “I don't have the right words to say it, but I know it must be hurting you really badly. You've always got me, Jenika,” he smiles, somewhat forlornly, “we'll always listen. I promise.”_ _

__Adam nods. “Thank you.” He leans in toward Chance, who moves his arm to wrap around the blond. “Thank you so much.”_ _

__“Don’t worry about it,” Chance says. “What do you say, we go out tonight?” Adam snorts and Chance quickly changes his answer. “Or, we could stay in and watch sad chick flicks.”_ _

__Adam laughs a little. “Are you being serious?”_ _

__Chance smiles. “A hundred percent,” he nudges Adam. “C’mon, we’ll invite Jenika and we can eat ice cream and cry to sad chick flicks.” Adam nods slowly smiling._ _

__“Sure, why not,” he smiles._ _

__“Yes! I’m gonna go call Jen then,” he’s up and he practically disappears but Adam can still hear his voice in the other room. He smiles to himself. He ‘s so very grateful for Chance and Jen he really is._ _

__That’s how, an hour later he ends up on the couch with Jenika and Chance, tongue burnt with the cold. _My girl,_ plays on the tv, and Adam will never admit to the tears in his eyes. They’re in a comfortable silence. There is no need for words – mostly because they’re all eating ice cream. And then Adam’s phone rings. He sighs, but eventually gets up and moves to Jen’s hallway to answer it._ _

__“Hello?”_ _

__“Adam, thank god,” it’s Chris’ worried voice down the line._ _

__“Chris, what’s wrong?” Adam’s heart jumps up into his throat. He hears Chris sigh on the other end._ _

__“Nothing, I just – you’ve been acting weird lately.”_ _

__“Chris, what are you talking about?”_ _

__“I know you Adam. Something is wrong,” he can hear the frown, “or at the very least, something isn’t a hundred percent right. I wanted to stop by but you, y’know, aren’t here.”_ _

__“Thank you,” Adam feels more like crying now because how could he ever forget how much Chris loves him? “It, it uh, means a lot.”_ _

__“Yeah well,” Chris clears his throat. “Your my only baby brother, gotta look after you. Anyway, try to get over whatever it is. I’ll see you in practise on Thursday.”_ _

__Adam’s heart clenches. “Yeah, thanks Chris. I’ll see you Thursday. Love you.”_ _

__“Love you too, Adam,” his brother says and Adam really missed feeling close to his family. He hangs up and smiles because something feels a little better._ _

__-*-*-*-*-*-_ _

__It’s his first birthday with the band. April 23rd comes and goes and he only gets birthday wishes from the people that know, that being Chris, Chance and Jen and honestly, Adam doesn’t care. He gets cake and cards and he’s happy with himself and his friends and they don’t really need to say much._ _

__Or, at least, that was how it was supposed to go. It did for the most part, but then it’s April 24th and there’s a knocking on his apartment door. He opens it to meet the red grinning face of Jenika._ _

__“Um, hi,” he says as she pushes past him._ _

__She squeals, smiling and for half a second looks extremely tempted to start jumping up and down and Adam really has no clue what this is about._ _

__“You okay?” he isn't concerned, more just at a loss as to Jenika's sheer excitement. Jenika grins brightly._ _

__“Okay, so,” she pulls Adam so that they're both sat on the couch, facing each other, “remember when you said Olena liked me?”_ _

__“Of course,” Adam nods slowly, thinking. And then it clicks. A wide smile slowly spreads over his face._ _

__Jenika notices it and her grin, if it’s even possible, gets bigger. “Well, we got talking and,” Jenika stops and clears her throat again almost squealing again, “she asked me out.” It's impossible to much how much happiness that Jen used to say that sentence, but it was so much so that it was whisper, as if she were afraid of it breaking._ _

__“That’s great, Jen,” he nudges her shoulder. He pauses for a moment. “Did I,” he starts, not looking at her, already hearing her groan, “or did I not tell you, that she likes you? Did I or did I not, huh Jen?” he laughing and Jenika hits him in the shoulder, smiling. She rolls her eyes affectionately._ _

__“Fine,” she pouts, “but only this once, blondie.”_ _

__“I told you so,” Adam sing-songs, “I told you so.” Jenika laughs. She nods._ _

__“You did tell me so,” she pulls him into a hug, “thank you.”_ _

__He pulls back to look at her. “No problem,” he pinches her cheeks, and she pouts. He snickers and let’s go, and she rubs them._ _

__“Now, all we need,” she starts and Adam already wants to kick her out, “is to get you in country boy's pants.” Adam's face burns and pouts._ _

__“When did this become about me?” Jenika pauses for a moment, thinking. She checks an imaginary watch._ _

__“As of twenty seconds ago.”_ _

__“Not fair,” he whined, “you had a chance, and now,” he gestures at Jen, “you’ve got her. I don't have a chance.”_ _

__Jenika blinks at him. “Of course you do, you have Chance.”_ _

__Adam pulls a face. “Was that a pun?”_ _

__“It was,” Jenika nods._ _

__“God save me,” he falls back into the couch but finds a pillow and buries his face in it._ _

__“That’s okay, I'll answer to that too,” Adam groans and feels Jenika get up off of the couch. She pulls the pillow off of his face. “C'mon, get up.”_ _

__“No,” he says, a little childishly._ _

__“Do you want to go get drunk or not?” she raises a brow at him._ _

__For all of thirty seconds, Adam weighs up the pros and cons of drinking. “Sure,” he pushes himself up and is going to get his jacket, wallet and keys._ _

__“C'mon then slowcoach,” Jen calls from the front door. “Do you have a speed beside snail?”_ _

__Adam rolls his eyes but follows her but not before making sure the door is locked. “Where we going then?”_ _

__“I’ll tell you after you get in the car,” she moves to the drivers side._ _

__Adam raises a brow at her, but gets in regardless._ _

__“Have a little faith in me, blondie,” she holds her index finger and thumb closer together and Adam rolls his eyes, smiling._ _

__“That’s a little hard,” he shoots back._ _

__“Okay, shut up now blondie, lest you want to be the victim of road rage,” she starts the car and Adam laughs. He love this woman._ _

__They're not driving for long by no means. It’s relaxing if anything; windows rolled down completely, wind rushing and cooling in the spring heat. They pull up to a bar, one that Adam doesn't really know. He sees Chris' car._ _

__“Uh, Jen?” she looks at him deviously and smiles, faux innocent._ _

__“Yes?” Adam's eyes narrow slightly._ _

__“Why is Chris' car here?” Her eyes flick quickly to the vehicle in question._ _

__“Would you believe me if I said coincidence?” she has a raised brow and a hopeful look._ _

__Adam deadpans, “No.”_ _

__Jenika sighs and rolls her eyes. “Entertain me a little, would you?”_ _

__Adam nods, “Fine.”_ _

__They get out and walk to the entrance, Jenika walking with more of a spring in her step. Adam slouches a little. Hand on the door, Jen seems a little hesitant to open the door, looking back briefly at Adam. With a quick inhale, she pushes it open._ _

__Its loud when it opens, but it isn’t only the usual noise one would expect from a bar. Its also bunch of people saying, “Happy birthday!” and Adam’s heart swells._ _

__He’s a little speechless, a breathless, “Hi?” leaving him. Jenika smiles._ _

__“Happy birthday,’ she says softly, almost nervously._ _

__“Oh,” Adam looks at her with big eyes, “this is what you had planned?” Jen nods. “Oh. Okay.”_ _

__Adam is surprised to say the least. There’s fairly loud music playing, the kind where you need to be fairly close to hear anything. There’s bartender serving drinks. When he actually takes the time to notice everybody he notes that Chris is here (to be expected, he saw Chris’ car) but then Austin, Tim and Rob are also here. He also notes Matt, Avi and Kirstin crowded around a table in the corner. He blinks a little stupidly._ _

__Chris walks up to him, smiling. “Happy birthday, Adam,” he says and Adam smiles back, still a little confused._ _

__“Not that I have a problem with it,” he starts and he already knows this sounds very bad, “but why are they here?” Chris' brow furrowed briefly before relaxing._ _

__“I told them it was your birthday,” Chris gives a half shrug, “they wanted to be here.” Adam nods however hesitantly._ _

__“Adam!” the call is from across the room and Adam is drawn to familiar voice. He sees Avi and Matt and Kirstin all tucked into a booth and he and Jenika quickly excuse themselves from Chris. Avi is in Matt's lap, the taller absently stroking his side. Kirstin is in the curve of the booth, nursing a brightly coloured pink drink. Jenika goes in first, sitting closer to the edge, if he needs a quick escape._ _

__“So, how is the birthday boy?” Avi grins._ _

__“Good,” Adam smiles._ _

__“Good?” Avi scoffs, leaning forward with his elbows on the table. “The birthday boy is supposed to be fantastic!”_ _

__Jenika cuts in before Adam can say anything. “He was having a crisis about loverboy before we got here,” she sighs, looking at Adam in a way that he gets the feeling that she’s calling him an idiot but honestly? Same. He is an idiot. An idiot very much infatuated (he might or might not be lying) with the high tenor of his band._ _

__No big deal._ _

__“Oh,” Avi says and he suddenly sounds much more sober than he did a moment ago. “Loverboy, huh?” his eyes flick almost dangerously to where the rest of Adam’s band are gathered at the bar. “Have to admit, doesn’t look bad,” Avi muses, snickering when Matt jabs him in the side. Avi slides out of Matt’s lap and out of the booth and one hand grabs Adam’s arm. “Introduce us,” he simply states when levelled with Adam’s bemused face._ _

__“Why? You have Matt,” Adam says, almost stupidly. Adam hears Matt, Jen and Kirstin laugh, and Avi snickers before it’s pulled into a dangerous smirk._ _

__“If I know him,” he starts and Adam already hates this, “then I can help you more.” Adam groans, much to the tables amusement._ _

__“Face it Adam,” Kirstin says, “as your friends, we have a moral obligation to fix your lovelife.” She leans around to see Austin. “And to get you into one attractive country boy’s pants,” she laughs._ _

__Adam groans and buries his face into his palms._ _

__“This is not happening.”_ _

__“C’mon Adam, its nothing to be ashamed of.”_ _

__“But what if he’s straight?” Adam says, and even to his own ears he sounds like he’s gonna cry. Their table falls silent. Jenika sighs. Avi stops tugging his arm._ _

__“C’mon, introduce us,” Avi says again, but this time its sweeter, a lot more careful. It’s times like these, when Adam is so in something with the wrong person, that he realises how much he loves his friends. Adam tugs at his sleeve wipes his eyes and it comes away a little wet._ _

__“Okay,” Adam says, weakly. “Let’s go.” And with that he’s making his way to the bar, Avi behind him. He stands behind them, clearing his throat for their attention. He gets it. He’s aware of the way his eyes must look, a little glassy, and his hair must be stuck up in all of these directions and –_ _

__Breathe._ _

__Their eyes flick between Avi and Adam. Adam weakly gestures at Avi, hand kind of flailing in the air as he does so. “Uh,” he licks his lips and clears his throat, “this is Avi, he, um, he wanted, wanted to meet you.” His stutter drags against hisbown ears, god knows what it must feel like to anyone elses and now Adam’s really in edge. Avi snorts. Adam’s breath catches._ _

__“Dude,” Avi says, smiling and Adam makes eye contact. He didn’t even notice his breathing was slightly irregular, “That was pathetic.” He doesn’t forget that they’re there per say, more focuses on the comfort that Avi seems to radiate._ _

__“Shut up, Avi,” Adam says, lips quirking, “I’ve never introduced anyone before.”_ _

__Avi blinks at him. “Obviously. I didn’t think you were a world translator.”_ _

__“Why am I your friend?” Adam asks, mystified, brow knotting in thought. “And, actually, come to think of it, where is Kevin when you need him?”_ _

__Avi opens his mouth to retort but Chris beats him to the punchline. “Uh, guys? Introductions?”_ _

__“Quiet, Chris,” Avi says, eyes narrowing a little. He turns to the other people he has yet to know. “Sorry for not introducing myself earlier,” he gestures to himself, then to Adam, “but I have train-wreck for a best friend.”_ _

__“Hey!” Adam says sharply, glaring at the shorter. His stomach knots tightly before undoing its self. It begins to sway with something sickly. “You know what? I need a drink.” He walks to bar ignoring everybody there. He distantly notes Avi talking to the others. He orders something, a rum and coke and is sliding back into the booth next to Jenika. He exhales sharply._ _

__“You look like you wanna keel over and die,” Jenika says, as if it were incredibly common._ _

__Adam swallows, “That may or may not be the case.” He downs half of his drink, barely breathing. “You know when you feel briefly confident but then you realise your out of your depth because you don’t wanna make an idiot of yourself but your paranoid that you already have and now you just feel the compelling urge to puke relentlessly? Because honestly that’s a broken record in my head.” He says it so fast, Adam’s tongue is heavy in his mouth, knotting and tripping slightly over his words. The music is bouncing around his skull._ _

__Jenika’s eyes go wide, and she’s leaning forward. “Adam, are you okay?” her eyes dance up and down looking for something to tell her what’s wrong._ _

__Adam clamps his jaw shut and he’s really confused because two minutes ago he was good but now he wants to go home and not see anyone for a long time. He shakes his head quickly before finishing his drink and then he’s gone. He’s in the bathroom quicker than he thought was possible but he doesn’t dwell too much as he’s throwing the stall door open and dropping to his knees to empty his guts._ _

__His throat burns, his face burns and distantly he realises he’s crying. When he thinks he’s done, he leans back on his heels. The door opens with a creek. Adam feels sick again. There's hands on his shoulders pulling him back an then he's looking into the familiar eyes of Austin. The other man looks concerned; brow furrowed, searching eyes and biting his lower lip._ _

__The hands on his shoulders mover up to cradle his head and Adam honestly wishes he could enjoy this but he's already thinking about how much of a freak he is._ _

__“You okay there buddy?” Austin tilts his head back, looking for something. “Well you ain't drunk,” he continues on Adam’s lack of response. Austin bites his lower lip. “You’re gonna be okay? I promise.”_ _

__Adam doesn’t believe him. The knotting of his stomach let him be._ _

__-*-*-*-*-*-_ _

__They’re pressed shoulder to shoulder. The bathroom is probably the worst place to sit on floor but in an exhausted state, Adam doesn't really care. Not much time has passed, if any at all. Adam feels like he's in a world between worlds; time is irrelevant but also, a tangible stream that flows around your drowning head. Suffocating, but liberating._ _

__His throat is dry, lips chapped and he wants to laugh somewhat hysterically because he can't seem to do anything fucking right and why isn't this working out, why is his heart so fast, why –_ _

__Why did he ever have to fall in love with Austin Brown?_ _

__Said man, pressed firmly against his side is quiet but not awkwardly so. His stubble is a little bigger, more like a developing beard. Adam bites his lip. He's staring straight ahead, focused on nothing. Russet hair is wavy, almost like damp curls, tucked behind his ear._ _

__Austin tilts his head a little, startling Adam, “You’re staring.”_ _

__Adam recoils slightly, noting their closeness. The question is burning his tongue, and it's out before his teeth can trap it. “Why are you still here?”_ _

__Austin looks confused, brow knitted together and nose scrunched up, “Your my friend, Adam.”_ _

__Adam's heart stutters. Austin considers him a friend. But, then again, that's all he'll ever be. He feels sick again. “Oh,” it’s quiet. His throat burns, as does his face._ _

__Austin shifts, now in front of Adam, crouching rather than sitting. He eyes Adam curiously. “Think you can stand?”_ _

__Adam shrugs, but thinks about the way his legs feel; he can move them, just maybe not stand on them. Austin stands up and offers a hand to hand, to which the blond shakily takes._ _

__Austin is actually stronger than he looks, and he pulls Adam up as if he weighed little to nothing. His hand feels weirdly nice. Adam flushes. His legs shake under him, and he almost falls back down again, but then there’s Austin, arm wrapped his stomach and another on his back keeping him upright. His flushes a little more._ _

__“You okay?” Austin says, his breath warm on Adam's neck._ _

__Adam finds his tongue, heavy and dry in his mouth, “I’m fine.” It’s hoarse and cracked._ _

__His legs feel a little sturdier and he slightly pushes at Austin to allow him to stand by himself. His legs are still a little shaky but he doesn't fall over just yet._ _

__They leave, Austin's hand on Adam's back, supporting the man. Adam tries not to lean on the touch._ _

__For the most part, everybody is enjoying themselves, either dancing and drinking. Matt, Avi and Kirstin have wondered to bar leaving Jen and someone else to dance. Austin seems to know exactly where he wants to go and helps him and his shaking legs along._ _

__He sits Adam into the booth, the blond almost immediately shuffling along. Austin pauses for a moment, eyes flicking up to meet Adam's curious gaze. Eventually he slides in next to Adam, pressing their thighs together. Adam swallows._ _

__He tries to distract himself and Austin's heavily intoxicating smell, and he actually notes who's dancing with Jenika; Olena. The brunette is of a similar height to Jenika, and is smiling eagerly as she and Jen move to the beat. Adam smiles at the somewhat carefree duo._ _

__Austin is the first to break the silence between them. “They seem to be having fun,” he muses, tilting his head away from the dance floor and toward Adam._ _

__“They do,” Adam breathes, briefly meeting Austin’s eyes and then looking at the table._ _

__“How about you, birthday boy?” the other jokes, seemingly leaning in closer. Adam's pulse skyrockets._ _

__“About as well as one can be,” he says softly. He really shouldn’t worry about speaking too loud and breaking moment; the music blares, and if it could suffocate you, it would. Austin smiles, a light quirk of the lips._ _

__“Could be worse, could find out you were getting cheated on,” he says with a shrug, an he looks somewhat saddened by this. Adam bites his lip._ _

__“Is that what happened to you?” Adam says, sadly, almost as if he were the one to offend Austin._ _

__Austin smiles, bigger than last time. “No, but it's still worse right?” Adam blinks._ _

__Adam licks his lips, and he must be hallucinating but he swear that Austin's eyes flicked to his mouth. Adam's mouth is suddenly a desert with no oasis. “Oh.”_ _

__“I know my timing probably isn’t the best,” Austin says, turning to better face Adam. The blond feels a little trapped. Austin seems to press closer. “But would it be crazy if I asked to –“_ _

__“Austin.” Chris says, somewhat harshly and Adam isn't sure whether to be relieved or annoyed. He settles on reluctant gratitude. Austin seems to jump away, looking a mix of embarrassed and ashamed. Adam only just notices how heavy his own breathing it's scaring him, like the beginnings of a panic attack._ _

__His lower lip is shaking and he looks back up to see Austin and Chris looking at him like he has two heads. He hates it. He tries to calm himself, however little. “I’m fine, I'm – “ deep breaths, deep breaths, “ – okay, I'm okay.”_ _

__Chris looks unconvinced and he’s glaring daggers at Austin’s head, like he's summoned the devil. “You sure?”_ _

__Adam nods, short, sharp movement and says, “I’m sure. Thank you.” Chris turns and leaves but there’s something about the set of his shoulders that gives away the fact he really wanted to make a scene. Nonetheless, the partially asked question is still burning Adam's ears and he has to hear the rest of it. “You were saying?”_ _

__Austin swallows, Adam's eyes drawn to the bobbing of his throat, and his eyes dart away from Adam's. “It doesn’t matter.” Adam wants to laugh and say he really doesn’t believe him but that would probably make Austin hate him. He keeps quiet._ _

__“Are you sure?” it’s annoying at worst, friendly concern at best._ _

__Austin nods, smiling but there’s something in his eyes that make it all insincere. Adam smiles back but he figures that in his exhausted state it's more of a grimace._ _

__Not for the first time of his life, Adam wonders what is actually fucking wrong with him._ _

__-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-_ _

__Adam thinks about kissing Austin. Well he did before, but he’d never been as close to Austin as he was on the night of that party. He thinks of how their mouths would fit together, and how it would go on. He imagines slow kisses, the kind you share at dawn when you're still awake. Rough kisses, like the ones you share at night, something like fire in your veins and a heartbeat in your ears and your no longer sure if it’s yours or not. He imagines quick ones, the ones you have in the midst of a chaotic morning._ _

__Sometimes though, his thoughts about the russet haired male are not as innocent as the press of mouths. He thinks about the feel of warm, real Austin underneath his hands, about tracing all of features with worshipping fingertips, before retracing every step meticulously with his tongue and mouth. About how Austin would sound. Would respond. What Austin would do to him._ _

__But then, Austin isn't Adam's and Adam isn't his. That’s a fact. So he shoves the thoughts away, no matter how suffocating they are with every interaction. He'll live. He’s fine. He’s okay. Sometimes he thinks he's a better liar than what he actually is._ _

__He probably would think about Austin for most of the day, if it weren’t for the phone blaring. He blinks blearily before he sluggishly reaches for the phone, hitting answer before looking at the contacts name. It’s four in the morning, and he’s hasn’t been to sleep, but he already knows who it is._ _

__“Good morning Jen,” he says._ _

__“Morning? Anyways, how did your night go? Oh wait don't tell,” she says. “Country boy looks as if he’s about to kiss you, brotherly panic takes over and Chris steps in and then the moment is ruined and he doesn’t look at you the same way?”_ _

__Adam lets out a breath, “I hate you.”_ _

__“That’s a lie,” she snorts. “But if it pleases you so, pretend you do.”_ _

__Adam groans as he flops down onto his bed. “I’m not sure whether I hate Chris or not.”_ _

__“Easy, you don't,” Jen retorts._ _

__Adam rolls his eyes and turns onto his back. “C’mon then, tell me about Olena.”_ _

__“She was great,” Jenika says, and Adam knows that’s not all of it. He says nothing in response and waits. Jenika caves in. “We kissed – well, more accurately made out but they're minor details.” Adam knows she’s probably blushing. “We have a date tomorrow.”_ _

__“Yes! One of us is successful! Thank God it had to be one of us,” he laughs._ _

__Jenika laughs too, “God your a dork.”_ _

__“Hey, I’m great!” he says defensively. Jen snorts._ _

__“Sure you are,” she elongates it all, drawing out the vowels. “But yeah, she’s great. She has the world’s best smile, and her laugh is so sweet!” Adam smiles at her lovesick rambling, “She’s also really warm, I love that.”_ _

__“Jesus, we need to get you two a room,” Adam laughs, as does Jenika._ _

__“Yes please! Anyway,” she says, changing the topic effortlessly. It’s four in the morning. Adam doesn’t have the ability to fight it. “Lets talk about Chris some more and his,” she pauses. “Over-protectiveness of his little brother.”_ _

__Adam laughs out a groan, “That's not what you wanted to say at all, is it?”_ _

__“No, but sometimes you act like a virgin who’s never heard of sex.”_ _

__“He didn’t really do anything?” it’s more of a question than the statement he intends for it to be._ _

__There’s a fairly long pause. “Two things; first, you ran away and then Austin followed you. You were gone for quite awhile so naturally Chris thought you guys were already fucking in there –“ Adam's face burns, “- and secondly, the moment Chris said anything or, I’m assuming he said anything Austin jumps like ten foot in the air. The man looked like he’d been caught stealing! So, I’m calling bull, now 'fess up, 'fore I have to rough up an older Rupp. Trust me, I will.”_ _

__“Chris simply said Austin's name,” Adam says. “Austin was leaning in slightly and he was already pretty close – “_ _

__“He was going to kiss you!” Adam’s now convinced he’s deaf in his right ear. “He totally wanted to.”_ _

__Adam wrinkles his nose. “That’s gross. I had just thrown up.”_ _

__“Ew. But he probably didn’t care,” Jenika says. “Sometimes when you really like someone who your infatuated with, or in love with, sometimes you just really wanna kiss 'em.”_ _

__“Now I have this really gross image in my head, thanks Jen,” Adam mutters, pouting._ _

__“Aww baby,” she coos mockingly. “Shut up and go to sleep.”_ _

__“Your one to talk.”_ _

__“I don’t have work in the morning.”_ _

__Adam groans, “I hate you and I hate Chance. Making me actually do work.” Jenika laughs._ _

__“Night, blondie!”_ _

__“Your blonde too!” he says back, smiling. He yawns as the call ends. He puts his phone on charge and checks the time. He sleeps for a while until he has to get up._ _

__Work is boring (as usual), but it’s easier because Adam thinks about what Jenika said._ _

__“He was going to kiss you.”_ _

__Adam hopes to god that was true._ _

__-*-*-*-*-*-*_ _

__They have another party a week later – it is getting close to summer and sometimes Adam forgets how social his friends are during summer. Social probably isn’t the right word, they don’t really meet any new people, at least none that they properly introduce into the group, but Adam isn’t sure what the word is for people who like to get drunk and laugh at god knows what. No seriously, most of them get so drunk that they don’t remember what they did the night before. It’s actually quite hilarious, Adam remembers, from the few instances where he himself was still sober._ _

__And it looked a helluva lot like the party where they had to stay at Scott’s for the night, because between him, Chance and Jen? There’s no way either of them were getting in a car and driving. But to Adam it’s just a bit of an excuse to drink as much as he can. This party however wasn't the games kind, this was the music blaring kind, random music mixes seemingly shaking the building._ _

__Adam nurses his beer from his place pressed against the wall, watching everything. It’s comedic. Scott and Mitch dance uncoordinatedly, limbs flailing and rhythm non-existent. Matt and Avi suck face, oddly gentle in the midst of dancing chaos. Olena and Jenika are pressed together too, dancing much more fluidly to the song. Kirstin dances by herself, eyes closed and honestly, much better than either duo that’s dancing. Chris and Chance dance too but it’s not much compared, movement unconsciously done as they chat aimlessly. Austin, Tim and Rob are all stood talking, drinks in hand, the only three, beside Adam and presumably Kevin, that have yet to partake in the dancing._ _

__All in all, from the wild dancing and the lack of self-consciousness, Adam would argue that most people here are so drunk, that god wouldn’t know what happened here tonight. It makes Adam smile, deviously. Ah, he’s gong to enjoy waking up to everyone hungover tomorrow, unable to function. And Adam supposes, the florists won’t be open tomorrow. Oops._ _

__Kevin appears from the doorway, broad shoulders eclipsing the entry. He presses himself against Adam’s side comfortingly, and Adam notes his lack of alcoholic drink._ _

__“Not tonight, huh?” Adam eyes him with mirth, a upward twitch of his lips._ _

__Kevin smiles, knocking Adam's shoulder with his own. “Nah, I like my sobriety.”_ _

__Adam wrinkles his nose in mock arrogance. “Suit yourself.”_ _

__“Just because I’m not an idiot,” Kevin retorts, snorting._ _

__“As you have to remind us,” Adam says, “one or two thousand times.”_ _

__“I think to be that arrogant,” Kevin muses, leaning more into Adam’s side, “I’d have to be Scott after sleeping with Mitch.”_ _

__Adam tries his best not to laugh but he does and his body shakes with it, mouth tugged into a big teeth baring grin. Everybody else is drowned in their own worlds and Adam is drowning in his and Kevin’s and honestly? Adam loves the individual moments he gets with his friends. He turns back to the party and Kevin presses against his side in silence. Adam takes a gulp of his beer, finishing it off. He nudges Kevin, and pushes him lightly to move him so he can get to the kitchen to get another._ _

__He pulls one out of refrigerator, hands clenching tightly momentarily at the sharp cold. He’s quick to open it and swallow some of it down, tongue flicking out to lick his lips, seemingly chasing the taste. He jumps up and sits on the counter, sighing at the feeling of his weight finally not all on his feet. He’s soon joined again by Kevin, who’s now wearing a mischievous grin._ _

__“Have fun, don’t get into too much trouble,” he says and Adams brow furrows momentarily at his cryptic message, mouth opening to ask when he disappears._ _

__“The fuck?” he mutters eyes focusing on the floor as he kicks his legs out childishly. He takes another swig of his drink, head tilting backwards, eyes closed. When he bring it back down again, his eyes open and he’s startled into swallowing by a far to casual Austin leaning in the door frame._ _

__He chokes a little, coughing, putting his drink down, hand moving to cup his mouth, face flushing and eyes not meeting Austin's just yet._ _

__“Um, hi?” he says once he’s done choking up his lungs._ _

__Austin stares at him with a stupid smirk pulling at his mouth and if it didn’t look so fucking good on his face, Adam would be tempted to hit him. Instead he wants to kiss it, at least then he doesn’t have to look at it. But then would feeling it be so different? “You okay there?” he asks, slowly, Georgian drawl making Adam thankful he isn’t standing because hello, where have his knees just gone?_ _

__His breath catches and he meets Austin's dark eyes. He finds his voice, only to find it much softer than usual, “Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.”_ _

__Austin nods somewhat understandingly, and Adam’s never been much of a stubble man, but god what he’d do to feel that hair scrape along his mouth and jaw. He drinks some more of his beer to hide his rising blush._ _

__“Are they usually like this?” Austin asks, licking his lips._ _

__“Huh?” Adam was so wrapped up in watching his mouth, he missed the question._ _

__Austin ducks his head, laughing a little and smiling. “I asked,” he moves a little closer, out of the door frame and leans against the counter opposite Adam, “if they're usually like that.”_ _

__Adam gives a half shrug. “They can be like this; a little more wild if you'd like, but usually they're like your first time. Childish. It what makes them so much fun.”_ _

__“So it depends?” Austin’s eyes have a brightness about them and Adam isn’t sure if he’s really noticed._ _

__“Yeah, pretty much,” this feels like the part of the conversation where it dies off; where one of the leaves and it’s abandoned. But Austin is a unique one, isn’t he? He feels taller like this, even though, if he is it’s by a few inches but now it feels like Austin towers over him. And with the way Austin moves closer to him, almost trapping him like the many times they’ve been in this situation before, Austin looks like a animal, carnivorous and vicious but beautiful and it’s breath-taking._ _

__“I believe,” he starts and Adam's heart is already hammering to a rhythm even he couldn’t mimic, “I was going to ask you something last week.”_ _

__Adam’s mouth is dry. “You were?”_ _

__Austin nods, eyes glinting with amusement, like a beast toying with his prey. He steps a little closer. “I believe, I was going to ask if I could kiss you?”_ _

__Adam blinks. “I’m sorry, what?”_ _

__Austin smiles a little. “Kiss you. Can I kiss you?”_ _

__His breathing is a little rough. “Yes.”_ _

__The glint in the other man’s eyes is both terrifying and enrapturing. Austin leans down, slowly, giving Adam time to pull away. Adam pushes up and closer. The first touch of their mouths is soft, the slight taste of beer bitter on their lips. They pull away briefly, only to push their mouth more firmly together, and a fire burns between them._ _

__Austin tongue licks into Adam's mouth, hands coming to hold his waist while Adam’s hands move to cup Austin’s face. Adam moans into Austin’s mouth, the latter’s tongue searching his mouth and fighting with Adam's tongue. His pinky and ring fingers curl around his neck, middle and index fingers and thumbs resting on his cheeks. Austin's tongue curls around his teeth and he can’t help but shiver, spreading his legs on the counter so Austin can press closer. Adam moans again and Austin makes a sound into his mouth but he doesn’t have time to tell what it is because there’s the sound of glass hitting the counter and they're pulling away._ _

__It’s Jenika, hunched over a little like a comedy sketch of a thief, and she’s bashful when she turns her head. “Sorry.” She turns around, looking through the doorway, “And if I were you? I’d get to a room. Chris is coming.” She warns._ _

__Adam pushes Austin away, enough that he can get off of the counter, and then he’s gripping Austin’s hand, lacing their fingers together and nearly running to one of the spare bedrooms. The beds are big and cushiony, and Adam adores the smell because it reminds him of the rain, something cold and refreshing. He drags Austin and shuts the door tightly, the moment he’s done so, bringing their mouths together almost painfully with the way their teeth clack together._ _

__Adam pushes Austin to the bed pulls away, the other man laying down on the bed. Adam takes a few deep breaths, resisting the urge to pinch himself, and instead moves to sit at Austin’s side and leans down to kiss him again, this time more softly, pulling away after a moment. He looks into the dark eyes of the man beneath him and he wants to believe it’s real but it’s proving difficult._ _

__Austin pushes him away gently, leaning up to rest their foreheads together. “Your drunk, and so am I. We should take it easy for tonight, and in the morning, if we can, talk about it from there.” Adam nods, and presses one more kiss to Austin’s mouth, savouring the feel. He pulls away and lies down next to Austin. They face each other, smiling giddily at each other like children. And Adam loves it. It’s bizarre. It’s new. And he gets to do it with Austin._ _

__He thinks he might like that._ _

__-*-*-*-*-*-*  
It’s raining when he wakes up. It was to be expected, yesterday had a dulling sky, heavy with grey. Adam loved the rain, loved the feel, especially after heats that nearly ripped through his flesh, searing heat. He's sat upright, black comforter soft under him. Austin’s still asleep curled up slightly, his back lightly touching Adam’s lower back. Adam pinches himself, once, twice. It hurts. He isn’t dreaming._ _

__He smiles, close lipped, absent-mindedly. He smiles at the window, watching the rain race to the bottom, free in its descent. The room is cold, undoubtedly so, and Adam’s breath is almost steam in the air. He’s half tempted to get out of bed and go outside, sink his feet into the mud and lose himself to the rain; he loves the weather in Georgia, most of it anyway. He gets up, stretching his legs, the waist of jeans digging uncomfortably into his flesh, rubbing it raw every time he shifts. He moves to window and debates momentarily whether he should or shouldn’t open the window. He doesn’t. He stands there, watching the rain, focusing on the way it sounds. It reminds him of Mankato and his days at home when it was raining._ _

__He snorts lightly, remembering that one time he got sick after standing out in the rain, although it was because the kid next to him had a really fucking bad case of the flu. His mother was furious, glaring at him like he’d summoned the devil into his living room. Chris was more understanding than either of his parents, and that may be because he wasn’t as blind as Adam wanted him to be. He remembers walking downstairs earlier than he should've, only his mother and father awake in the early dawn. She called him a freak, a freak that enjoyed the rain too much. Adam frowns at the memory._ _

__He’s startled out of memories that he’d rather forget by a groan. He turns sharply to watch Austin stretch out on the bed, hands spreading over to where Adam was laying earlier. His eyes open, presumably when he doesn’t find Adam, and they search for him, only to find him and narrow at him._ _

__“Come 'ere,” his voice is thick with sleep and it feels weird to have it directed at Adam._ _

__He makes his way to the bed, and Austin's hand is quick to tug him down. They’re face to face, breath fanning over each other and it makes Adam unnecessarily giddy. Or, maybe it is necessary. Maybe this is how it should feel. Austin cups his neck and tugs him closer._ _

__“I haven’t brushed my teeth.” Adam protests lightly. Austin raises a brow, as if to say 'are you serious?' Yes, Adam is very much serious._ _

__“Kiss me,” is all he actually says, and then he’s tugging Adam closers to press their mouths firmly together._ _

__The kiss is sweet and soft and Adam feels wanted; he’d forgotten what it was like to feel this want from another person. The memory burns the back of his mind._ _

__But, that’s exactly what it is, isn't it? A memory that can only see the back of him if he lets it. It’s his past and Austin, the band, his friends – his future. It can burn all it want, but in the end, Adam's no longer in the flames. He can do this._ _

__They pull away and rest their head on the pillows, eyes scanning each others faces. Adam keeps making faces, Austin’s warm breath tickling his skin._ _

__“You okay?” Austin asks._ _

__Adam thinks for a moment. “Yeah, I’m okay. You?”_ _

__“Yeah,” Austin breaths, eyes fluttering closed._ _

__They stay like that for a little while longer, basking in each others presence. Adams eyes feel heavier the longer he listens to the noise of the rain and Austin’s breathing. It’s comforting. He enjoys it._ _

__“What time is it?” Adam furrows his brows and reaches for his back pocket, only to find it not there. He twists and turns only to find it on the bedside table. He switches it on, almost no battery left, and notes the time._ _

__“Nine-thirteen, Jesus, we were up early.”_ _

__Austin hums and pulls Adam closer, burying his face in the blond's neck, eyes shut. “Lets sleep a little more then.”_ _

__Adam makes a sound, a little shocked. “Uh, okay?” he settles regardless, curling and cuddling up into Austin’s frame._ _

__They enjoy it while they can._ _

__-*-*-*-*-*-*-_ _

__The thing is, they never really talk about it. Never really talk about what they are. Probably isn’t the best idea, by no means, but it still works. Here and there they touch, kiss and cuddle. In rehearsals, they sit closer, make more eye contact. They don’t tell anyone, but Adam thinks they already have a few ideas._ _

__Jenika doesn’t say anything, because she trusts him. Trusts him to keep himself happy. Chance trusts him too._ _

__Chris, however, is wary. He seems worried for his brother and as much as Adam appreciates it, right now he finds it unnecessary. He’s still grateful._ _

__And that’s how it works for a few days. Adam wants to talk about, wants to make sure that they're on the same page, but he’s scared, scared of ruining it. He settles for waiting; if Austin wants to talk about it he will._ _

__Adam ignores that part of his life and focuses on Chance. He frowns, phone pressed against his ear as Chance rambles down the phone._ _

__“Chance, what are you fucking talking about?” Adam asks, brows drawn together, mouth pulled tightly into a line._ _

__“I came out to my family.”_ _

__Adam's heart stops. “Chance – “_ _

__“They hate me! My mom just stood there and pretended she hadn't heard a thing I said! And you don’t even want – “ his breathing is shallow, and he’s gasping. He manages a strangled sob. “My dad said to get out. He thinks I’ve brought the devil to the front door. Adam, what do I do?”_ _

__“Chance, where are you?”_ _

__“At home – “_ _

__“Stay put, and give me twenty minutes.”_ _

__“Okay,” he hears another sob from Chance before he puts the phone down._ _

__

__He makes it in far less than twenty minutes, but Adam has learned that for the most part, overestimation is the best thing. Except in people._ _

__He's quick up the stairs and even quicker to knock on Chance's door. Chance's raw, red eyes are the first things he notices. “Chance...” he doesn’t know what to say. Chance allows him to step in and he’s quick into the warmth of his house._ _

__They move to the couch and Adam is quick to bring Chance into a tight hug. They settle like that for a moment. The only thing that is heard is Chance's sniffling._ _

__“Chance?” the brunette pulls away, hands rough as they scrape away tears._ _

__“Oh god, I’m sorry,” he chokes out, voice hoarse. “I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what I was thinking, I just – “_ _

__Adam cuts Chance off by bringing him back in tightly. “Its okay. Your my family. Your my friend.” He repeats it like a mantra, like a prayer list to God but it helps, helps calm Chance down by however little._ _

__That’s how they stay. Chance's head on Adam’s shoulder, face flushed red with tears and the harsh tugging at his skin. They'll be okay. Chance'll be okay. They have to be. They will be._ _

__-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
He spends more time with Austin. If you’d like to say, they go out on dates. They never hold hands, but they do stand closer than necessary. It isn’t usually out somewhere though, their dates are usually composed of buying take-out and laying together aimlessly. _ _

__Adam loves moments like these, because unlike when they steal kisses at practice, these moments are sweet and slow. Their stolen kisses are rushed, desperate and needy, full of everything they can’t say because there’s no time. Their moments together, their dates, are different. These kisses, touches, are slow and relaxed and they’re not meaningless, not by any means, but they say something different, because what they couldn’t save before, they can now._ _

__They never last long, never long enough. But they don’t really need long, because Austin will kiss Adam until he forgets about the clock mentally ticking in head; wet tongue short-circuiting the fragile clock's wire work. They’ll take turns pushing each other into the mattress, hands roaming, never sexual simply curious. They haven’t gotten to that part yet. They’ll wait. Adam isn’t sure if either of them is ready._ _

__It’s not usually kissing though, they prefer to bask in each others presence, touching, however minutely. Adam adores this, spread out on possibly the world’s fluffiest bed, touching someone else. It feels intimate, but not to the point of suffocating._ _

__He still loses his mind sometimes though; worrying about Chance, wondering how Jen and Olena are, wondering how Chris is, and he’s happy about that. It means he hasn’t forgotten them to someone who could never be them. He doesn’t get how people could lose their friends simply because of a partner. It doesn’t really matter to him though, as long as he doesn’t abandon his friends. But there’s still a hollowness in his heart, an aching cavity that's surrounded by barely there flesh and he hates that, hates it more than most things. But Austin seems to be intent on fixing that._ _

__He asks how they are, what they’ve been doing and it makes Adam smile. He’s trying to get a good relationship with the people he loves most._ _

__But he also fixes it in other ways; the kisses that he presses into Adam’s skin sows seeds into the velvet muscle of his heart, golden daffodils and marigolds curling up through the valves of his heart and into his veins and arteries. The simplest of his touch invoke a heavenly choir that thrums through every fibre of Adam’s being. His smile makes Adam see gold, magical and glorious in its presence. He is something magical to be hold; he is not only the stars but the magic that holds them there, the hand of God and the face of nature. Adam’s heart trips over its feet, almost like something chasing impossibly fast, out of reach. A child trying to catch sunbeams. Someone wanting the moon._ _

__He’s pulled out of his thoughts by wet kisses being pressed on his jawline. “Thought I lost y'there,” Austin says, partially muffled, due to his mouth still mostly pressed against his jaw. Adam’s absently running his hands through Austin’s short wavy bob._ _

__“Hm?” Adam’s still lost._ _

__Austin smiles, pressing their noses together briefly, before pressing their lips together briefly. “My little daydreamer,” he kisses him again. “What should your nickname be?” he kisses Adam’s nose, to which Adam giggles. “Star? No,” his mouth trails across his cheek, “baby doll? Too old. Oh. Nebulae?” he pauses talking to suck a bruise into the middle of Adam’s throat, humming as he does so, hands seemingly tapping out a rhythm on Adam’s hips._ _

__He pulls back, only to lick at the mark. “Yes. My baby nebulae, fantastical and glorious even when you can’t see it.” Adam’s breath catches and his head falls back, baring his throat to Austin’s assault. Soft moans escape. Austin’s now teasing, especially when he pauses kissing Adam to ask, “What’s my nickname?”_ _

__Adam’s brain is momentarily fried, but for the second that it takes to catch up he’s surging forward and capturing Austin’s mouth. “Thunder,” he murmurs it against Austin’s mouth, feeling the other man’s smile._ _

__Thunder and nebulae. Huh. They are a pair, aren’t they?_ _

__-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*_ _

__Chance is doing better. That’s an easy fact, if the way he fucking cackles when he sees the bruise on Adam’s throat is._ _

__“Holy fuck, I didn’t know you were dating a vampire!” he snorts whilst Adam pulls a face of boredom._ _

__“Fuck off,” Adam says, although, his lips quirk up a little._ _

__Chance takes a deep breath, cheeks slightly flush, and smiles widely at Adam. “Nah I’m good. Oh but you do remind me.”_ _

__“Remind you of what?” Adam inquires, brows kitting together curiously._ _

__“Of a question,” Chance says ominously. “Have you guys fucked yet?”_ _

__Adam flushes from his hair line to his neck, an unflattering crimson. “Jenika put you up to this, didn’t she?”_ _

__Chance shrugs. “Maybe.” Fucking liar. “No, but in all seriousness. Safe sex kid,” Chance says, almost parroting one of those safe sex posters._ _

__Adam groans. “Fuck off, you are not giving me the talk.” He drags a hand tiredly over his face._ _

__“The birds and the bees,” Chance sing-songs, the last syllable breaking up into a laugh. Adam snorts. “Seriously. Are you dating a vampire?” Chance works his best to keep a straight and serious face but it only lasts three seconds before he’s laughing again._ _

__Adam is somewhat confused he doesn’t know what’s so funny. He’s glad that his sex life is entertainment for him and Jen though._ _

__

__It helps that he sees Austin the same day. Although, when Austin has his face buried in the crook of Adam’s neck, warm breath eliciting soft gasps from Adam’s mouth, and he’s almost instantly reminded of Chance's attempt at giving him the talk maybe it doesn’t help as much as he thought. He goes tense because he loves his best friend, but that doesn’t help him in anyway. Would rather not think of someone he considers a brother in a sexual situation. Nope. Skip that one._ _

__Austin seems to notice because he pulls away and then presses their noses together, making strong eye contact with him. “What’s wrong, nebulae?” his voice is soft and Adam's t-shirt has ridden up a little, Austin’s thumb absently stroking over exposed flesh. Adam’s breath catches a little._ _

__“Nothing,” he says, matching Austin’s tone unconsciously. He licks his lips. “Kiss me.”_ _

__Austin has no verbal reply, but presses their mouths together slowly. Adam’s hands move to cup his face, partially curving around his neck. They part briefly only to meet again, licking into each others mouths, a spark igniting kindling, a fresh flame burning between them._ _

__Austin presses in between Adam’s legs, pressing himself as close as possible, one hand cupping his jaw, the other under his shirt stroking at his skin. Adam had never really considered himself to be particularly sensitive, but Austin was like electricity and it was almost a tickling sensation. It makes him writhe, hips jerking up into Austin's both wanting to get away from the teasing touches but so desperately wanting more._ _

__He pulls away, head snapping back gasping for air like he was drowning. Maybe he was, Austin did feel like a storm; a whirl of laughter, dark knowing eyes and a voice of an angel. His storm, his thunder, glorious._ _

__“Can we?” it’s low and Austin’s accent is thick, close in his ear. Adam’s hands claw at Austin’s back, suddenly so very aware of hard length pressing against his own. Adam nods jerkily._ _

__“Yes, yes, oh god yes,” he babbles._ _

__Austin is significantly more coherent than Adam is, but the blond chalks it up to Austin having more experience. That, or, he just knows what he’s doing. Fabric disappears, scattered around the room chaotically. Their kisses are open mouthed, messy and uncoordinated. Adam moans until his voice is foreign to his own ears. Austin pulls him away from Adam’s mouth, ignoring the needy whines, pressing kisses to his jaw and down his throat. His hands are wandering and Adam doesn’t know whether that's a good thing or not._ _

__Austin’s mouth trails down, kisses sloppy and open. He holds Adam’s hips steady, tongue swirl indecipherable patterns onto burning flesh._ _

__Adam writhes under Austin, begging, “Please, please, please.”_ _

__Austin doesn’t suck Adam's cock, but teases him by breathing hotly over it, smirking as he does so. Instead of taking Adam’s cock into his mouth, he presses kisses to his thighs briefly, before moving to suck his long fingers into his mouth. With saliva as a base lube he starts to fuck Adam open, slowly fingers teasing his prostate and spreading him wide. Eventually, he gets lube and properly opens Adam up, fingers working faster and more nimbly._ _

__He slicks up his own cock, as Adam props himself up on an elbow to watch, and press at Adam’s hole. Adam never expected it, but Austin doesn’t fuck per say. He, for lack of any other less embarrassing alternative, makes love. The rolls of his hips are slow, eyes lidded and dark, focused on Adam’s. Under such a heated and loving stare, Adam feels his heart swell._ _

__It’s quick, relatively. They're both too close for it to last long, but Adam doesn’t care, only really cares about the way Austin’s hips speed up and become a little sharper, a little more desperate when sinking himself into Adam. Adam’s thighs are hiked up around Austin’s hips, Austin’s hands burning and bruising on Adam’s hips._ _

__The blond comes first, tilting his hips up to meet Austin’s hips, and all Adam can feel is orgasmic bliss being ripped out of him, violently but beautifully, drawn out by overstimulation. Austin’s hips still snap into Adam’s, eager for his own release. He comes, burying his face in the crook of Adam’s neck breath warm and ragged._ _

__They clean up and dress in loose pyjamas, and when they press close together, Austin’s head on Adam’s chest and settled between his thighs, Adam will wonder if the fullness of his heart, like a valley of flowers and beauty, is how love is supposed to feel._ _

__He already thinks he knows the answer when the next morning Austin wakes him with breakfast. It’s the beginning of something domestic.  
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-_ _

__They have nothing to do so they get into bed again, lazy like they usually are. This time though, they’re buried under the covers, facing each other, alternating between looking at each other and closing their eyes. They rejoice in the land between awareness and sleep, where time is a rushing river._ _

__“Y'know.”_ _

__Adam hums in response. Austin shuffles to be shoulder to shoulder with him, presumably looking up at the ceiling. He shifts again, this time the bed sinking a little more, telling Adam that Austin’s leaning on his elbow._ _

__“We haven’t been on an actual date. Like, a meal out or anything,” Austin muses, fingers soft and graceful as they trail over Adam’s shoulder, down to his collar bones and up his throat. “I 'ought to be ashamed. My mama always taught me to court someone before bedding them.” He traces down Adam’s jawline and up to his lip, smiling when Adam does. “So, my darling Nebulae, where would you like to go?” he traces up Adam’s nose and his eyebrow bones._ _

__Adam’s eyes flutter shut under his gentle ministrations, smiling. “I don’t know, dearest Thunder, give me an option.”_ _

__Austin clicks his tongue. “There’s a barbecue place not far from here, or the Italian place just a little further.” He pauses likely trying to think of other places, but it isn’t necessary._ _

__“Barbecue, easy.” He grins widely, especially when he’s jabbed in the side by Austin._ _

__“Your easy.” Austin notes._ _

__“Well, I guess you like easy blonds then don’t you?” Adam opens his eyes to find Austin leaning in closely._ _

__“No. Only ones who are freaks of nature when it comes to anything to do with their mouths. And anything else.” Adam’s breath catches and he’s tense, pulled tight with anxiety because he’s only ever associated bad things with that word but then Austin’s kissing him._ _

__His mouth is soft under Adam’s but not yielding by any means and he licks Adam’s lower lip but makes no move to lick into his mouth. Adam kisses back, however dazed he may be, at a loss at the lack of hatred or disdain in the word. Freak. He quite liked the sound of that from Austin’s mouth. Adam feels like it’s said with love or warmth, something that softens the usually rough edge of the word._ _

__

__They pull away and settle back under the covers._ _

__“When do you want to go that barbecue place?” Adam finds himself asking amongst everything else he could be._ _

__Austin shifts and presses the tips of their noses together. “Later today,” he yawns, “but now, we sleep.”_ _

__Adam giggles, and even with his eyes closed Austin smiles._ _

__-*-*-*-*-*-_ _

__And that’s what they do. They go out and eat food and enjoy themselves. Adam was a little anxious but Austin takes his hand in his and it feels so similar to someone swirling a cup of water stopping and the water settles. It’s the only way Adam can think of it._ _

__They go on more, here and there. Adam’s favourite is easily the one where they had planned to go out but rather cancelled and stayed in bed all night watch star wars. Adam doesn’t have to question which dates he prefers, he loves the ones where it’s just him and Austin, moments so like the collapsing stars, quick and violent in their beauty but so alike the oceans, spanning for miles and endless in the drowning splendour._ _

__Time ceased with Austin; he has it at his fingertips and it is embedded in every vein in his body, controlling it effortlessly, slowing the clocks to bring them together like the sisters of fate had prophesized their belonging._ _

__But Adam was never prophesized happiness._ _

__It starts slowly, their dates waning and waning, and suddenly their moments are that of a drying river; slow, everything dragging with energy to get it working again. Adam didn’t say anything when Austin left him earlier, when he barely looked at him in practice and when he barely acknowledged him. It wasn’t his place to question his fate. He understood. Austin was too good for him._ _

__

__None of it comes to light until a Thursday morning, summer rain heavy and glorious. Adam hated it, it already told him too much. His phone is ringing, and as much as he’d love to ignore it and rejoice in the rain that he adores, he knows._ _

__He answers it. “Hi.”_ _

__“We have to talk.” He loathes how confident and smooth Austin’s voice is (he’d also hate it if it were weak and cracking though. Adam doesn’t know what he wants.)_ _

__“Okay. By that, I’m pretty sure you mean you have something to say and you want me to listen so go ahead.”_ _

__“I,” he pauses, and Adam despises the way his heart lurches up into his throat. “I don’t love you.”_ _

__Adam blinks. “Okay.” He ends the call without a second thought._ _

__The hate that bubbled through his veins like magma through a volcano dissipates. He feels like he’s on anaesthetic. He settles back into bed and sleeps, lulled by the rainfall that almost felt like it was washing at his skin._ _

__His sleep was dreamless; he knew if he did dream it would be of Austin and his timeless love, his timeless hands and gold-plated. He wasn’t real. Adam was sure he had just been dreaming all along, that he’d wake up and it would be another day the florists._ _

__He wakes up but does nothing. He makes no effort to move, none to get out of bed and least of all no move to cease the thoughts in his head. If Adam could bring himself to, he’d imagine that it was like being the eye of a storm. Surrounded by nature’s violent need for balance but situated in peace. He feels numb. There is no peace and Adam is not loved._ _

__Thinking of Austin saying he doesn’t love him does him no good, yet does him no wrong; it’s a disconnect from the memory almost like he had been told it from a friend._ _

__He stays there in bed, for god knows how long. Or maybe he does know how long because his phone starts ringing about the time it usually would if her were late for work. He ignores it._ _

__It’s still raining. He still can’t feel anything._ _

__-*-*-*-*-*_ _

__Adam doesn’t move very much. He’s suffocated by lethargy, muscles and body aching and burning for rest when he had not moved them. Maybe it was all in Adam’s head. Maybe he was still dreaming._ _

__However, Adam is certain that a blonde and brunette breaking into his apartment would not be apart of his dream. Or nightmare._ _

__Jenika looks vicious, furious and Adam can see the rant burning her lips when it just. Dies. Her anger tensed brow relaxes only to droop in empathy._ _

__

__“He broke up with me.” Adam croaks, voice dry from no water and lack of use._ _

__Some of the fury returns, but it no longer burns there because of Adam’s absence, but rather for Adam. Chance disappears._ _

__She sits on his bed, and brings him up into a hug, “Adam, it’s gonna be okay.” She says it like a parent would a child scared of the dark and Adam never had that with either of his parents._ _

__Chance reappears, holding a cup of water and placing it on Adam’s bedside table. He loves his friends, everything they do for him. He pulls away from Jenika. His lower lip wobbles. The rain slows and ceases._ _

__Adam cries, ugly body wracking sobs that have him pushing away from Jenika to curl up on his side. That would be however, if Jen did not choose to pull him closer._ _

__“Blondie, it’s gonna be okay,” she says in his ear something so soft and comforting that Adam immediately thinks mother and his heart aches as if it were about to fall out of his chest._ _

__There’s another hand on his back – Chance – and it’s a weight that's comforting in its stability._ _

__He doesn’t think he quite yet stops crying – he hasn’t cried before this, after Austin left but it doesn’t matter now, all he knows is that he doesn’t stop crying, he just slows. His breathing is still shaky, and Adam feels it, feels like a unstable set of caves being held up with rotting wood. It isn’t going to last (maybe this is his breaking point and maybe everything he was, is, has been crushed under the weight of emotions to be abandoned.)_ _

__He’s made to drink and maybe Jenika forces food down him, he doesn’t really remembers, all he knows is that is he doesn’t feel better than before but is not worse either. That must count for something, right?_ _

__He sleeps, body worn past the point of return. When he wakes it’s to loneliness, to the dark, and to agony. His heart is bizarre, numb with so much feeling, or maybe just an abundance of loss. Adam wishes it were hollow._ _

__He loathes this, hates the very way someone reduced him to nothingness with a sentence, beyond pathetic._ _

__He showers, and dresses himself in something clean (god knows he doesn’t feel it, broken in so many ways that dirt clings to the broken edges) before making his way back to his bedroom, busying himself with changing his bedding. It’s probably the stupidest attempt at distracting himself. It might be working._ _

__He settles into the clean bed, thinking about nothing and everything all at once. He lies awake for more hours than he cares to admit to, missing Austin more than he wants to._ _

__But you loved him, a voice supplies, you love him, entirely. You trusted him, you wanted his happiness, you still do. The reminder is obnoxious._ _

__Love is trust, love is passion, love is faith. Love is needing someone, but a controlled desire, like the dance of the sun and moon. Love is strength. Love is being reliant on someone when your not ready to face the world._ _

__There was something so easy to hate about it. Adam didn’t want that kind of love. He wanted the love he had for his friends; a love no less pure nor less endearing but something that was far easier than realising you weren’t wanted._ _

__He barely remembers what day of the week it is, let alone what time or date. He checks his phone, only just aware of the tears on his face, blurring his vision. He sniffles, and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. They clearly and his eyes focuses in on the time, 04:47a.m., and that it’s a Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday._ _

__Friday means practice. Practice means Austin and Austin means crying._ _

__He swallows. He already knows what he’s going to do.  
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-_ _

__His bag is are packed before the break of dawn, what little he is bring with him having a seemingly infinite weight._ _

__He eats and dresses, tossing the dirty clothes into the hamper, committing himself to washing them when he returns._ _

__His phone is mostly charged, and is blowing up with excessive texts, mostly from Jen and Chance. There’s a few from Chris, just reminders and something aches in him that reminds him that Adam has lost something (or felt a loss of some kind) and Chris isn’t even aware. He’d have to apologize to his brother about distancing himself again._ _

__But that was later. Practice was now – or at least, today._ _

__He’s out the door bag on his back, double checking the locks in his way out, and making his way in the early bustle of working morning. The roads are still heavy with traffic, and Adam finds that no matter where you go, if there’s money to be made there’s probably more traffic than necessary._ _

__The skies seem so dull, like eyes heavy with tears, so much so that Adam smiles a little at the anticipation of rain._ _

__He actually has no idea where he’s going, but he figures, phone in his pocket, that he can’t really mess up much, as long as he stays in Atlanta. Relatively._ _

__His legs seem eager to walk, to move and for a fleetingly sappy, poetic moment, Adam thinks that maybe they’re separate from the rest of him, so not convinced that Adam is over Austin (to be fair, Adam will most likely never get over Austin. If Adam’s heart is a tree, then his love for Austin is a sturdy branch that will never yield to breaking of time) and maybe they’re trying to run away from him, away from everyone._ _

__He stops, and acknowledges that he’s at Peachtree Station and thinks of where to go._ _

__He likes nature. He kind of abandoned it though, excluding his time as a florist (read: he still is, but if he can put everything into the past, maybe it'll hurt less) abandoned it for something that wasn’t really worth it. He thinks of the nearest nature location, and almost instantly thinks of the Atlanta park, full of it._ _

__He buys a ticket and leaves his hom – place of residence, to find a journey._ _

__He thinks of nature in its glory, and his hopes to kill a love by rekindling a new one._ _

__-*-*-_ _

__Maybe, just maybe on hindsight he should’ve left notifications for his friends and his brother before disappearing._ _

__“Where the fuck are you?” In all of Adam’s days, he had never heard Chance so angry and worried and scared, mixed into an awful concoction that brought heavy tears of shame to him._ _

__“I’m sorry,” he says and yes, he does realise how much of a sorry child he sounds right about now._ _

__Chance grunts, sounding annoyed and already Adam can see the pinch between his brows and how he would be frowning. “I know you are, but still,” Adam hears the sigh and for a moment wonders if Chance I’d crying. “You have everyone a heart attack. You are okay though? Nothings happened to you?”_ _

__Adam smiles a little weakly. “No, I’m okay, I just,” he pauses, swallowing. “Just needed sometime to myself, away from everything else.” And it’s not wrong, this hour by himself surrounded by nature sitting under the trees and near water made him remember so much about when he was younger and Chris would take him to parks, to anywhere. He loves it, places like this._ _

__He hears Chance make a sound on the other end of the phone. “Okay, I’ll tell Jenika, just,” he exhales deeply, “be safe, okay? We worry about you, you dumb airhead.”_ _

__In light of the familiar nickname, Adam can't help but retort with a faux angry, “Hey!” he smiles, however slight. “Thank you.”_ _

__Chance exhales again. “Don’t worry about it. Your here when we need it. Just be home, safe and sound soon, okay?”_ _

__“Okay,” Adam says softly._ _

__“Okay. Good.” The line goes dead._ _

__Adam takes a deep inhale, allowing the freshness of the air to invade his lungs._ _

__He sits underneath a tree, back pressed firmly against the harsh wood. He waits for a moment before picking up the phone again. He calls Chris._ _

__It rings for a few moments and Adam thinks he’s put his brother in such a mess that he can’t even answer when – “Adam! Your, your okay? Your okay, right?”_ _

__Despite himself, and despite the situation, Adam snorts a little. “I’m fine, promise.”_ _

__“I don't take kindly to my brother going missing as a joke,” Chris says dryly, although Adam knows he isn’t actually upset with him._ _

__“I’m sorry.”_ _

__“It's okay – your alive, I just want to know why you disappeared I mean,” Chris makes a noise of confusion, or exasperation (likely a mix of the two), “last time I saw you, you were great you and Austin were hitting it off –“ Chris cuts himself off._ _

__Adam cringes. “Chris, it's – “_ _

__“What,” Chris starts, eerily calm, “did he do?”_ _

__Adam swallows. Well shit. “He broke up with me.”_ _

__Chris clicks his tongue. “Yeah, stay out of town. You wouldn’t want to be an accessory to murder.”_ _

__“Chris,” he warns, eyes widening. “Don’t. Anyways, I thought you didn’t like him?”_ _

__Chris makes a sound, a little like a laugh he’s killed in his throat. “Its not I didn’t like him it’s just,” Adam is sure that Chris is pinching his nose now, “I didn’t trust him with you, okay? I may not always have been supportive and I have to admit, I still don’t get it,” Chris let’s out a dry laugh, “but your my baby brother._ _

__“Your all I have left, and you need support, and you’ve given me a lot over the years. I’m trying to be better. For you. For Tristin. And I was worried Austin was going to hurt you, so I made him promise. Until he could say that he loved you, cared for you whilst looking me in the eye, he doesn’t have permission to ask you out. Turns out that meant nothing.”_ _

__“Chris,” Adam says, although he doesn’t know what else to say, because be loves his brother and he’s glad he’s trying. He’s glad he isn’t being completely abandoned._ _

__“Just come home safe okay? I’ll deal with Austin you just, you just keep yourself together.”_ _

__*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*_ _

__Chris is unquestionably not the right the person to go to for relationship advice. He is, however, the right person to go to if you’d like him to break someone’s nose._ _

__That may not be what Adam intended but Chris is not bothered about that._ _

__When he calls Austin and invites him over, he tries to give nothing away. He neither gives a sharp coldness to his voice nor the warmth he was familiar with using when concerned with Austin and the others. He expects that Austin knows the change in his voice. The call is short._ _

__Austin arrives quickly and Chris expects no less._ _

__There’s a tenseness in the younger, a clench of the jaw, a forced broadness of the shoulders and blankness of the eyes. Something doesn’t feel right to Chris. Although, he does severely doubt the possibility that creeps into his mind about him being body snatched._ _

__Chris scrutinizes Austin for a few moments longer before gesturing at the couch, likely to the other man’s relief._ _

__Austin seems to eye him similarly but a move rather forced by apprehension and fear than the slight feeling of a blood-thirsty rage of storm, currently wreaking havoc in Chris' mind. Only slightly. Maybe._ _

__“I’m going to assume you know what this is about,” Chris says, still standing._ _

__Austin pauses for a moment. He nods slowly. “Yes. Adam.”_ _

__Chris nods absently in agreement. “Okay, politeness out of the way; why did you fucking do it?”_ _

__Austin tenses again, or maybe just gets even more highly-strung – Chris doesn’t remember if he ever stopped being tense. He doesn’t meet Chris' glare, logically._ _

__“I,” he starts. “I had a crisis,” he admits weakly and he looks like a kicked puppy, forced into a corner and weak._ _

__“What kind of crisis?”_ _

__“A, an, sexuality crisis.”_ _

__Chris blinks. Blank. “Oh. Okay.”_ _

__“Okay?” Austin looks mildly offended, eyebrows knitted together and one raised, mouth pulled down slightly._ _

__“Yeah. Okay,” Chris says, and he’s feeling happy now or at least happier – he hadn’t completely failed his brother, “you do realise you could of saved us some of the theatrics right though? You could have had a lovely, nice, calm conversation with Adam but you played the idiot card.”_ _

__“And how exactly would I have brought that up?”_ _

__

__Chris shrugs. “You guys must’ve talked about your relationship.”_ _

__Austin shifts and gives a nervous laugh._ _

__Chris blinks. “My brother’s an idiot but so are you apparently.”_ _

__Austin's jaw clenches but he says nothing. Chris sighs._ _

__“He loves you, ya know? I kind of almost wish that I went through with keeping you two apart,” Chris shakes his head. “No, that’s a lie, I don't want that. You need to fix this.”_ _

__Austin makes a distressing sound in his throat. “I had a crisis for a reason,” he snaps._ _

__Chris glares. “If your trying to blame my brother –“_ _

__“No! Well, yes, but no,” Austin sounds frustrated. “He made me question things that I otherwise wouldn’t question,” Austin says slowly, after a moment, hands combing through his hair. “So, in a way, it is because of him.”_ _

__“That doesn’t make it sound any better.”_ _

__“I know,” Austin cries and if Chris wasn’t still confused and hurt on his brothers behalf, (the idiot would go running into his arms easily, he’s lovesick and a romantic at heart) he’d be tempted to feel pity. “ I know, okay? I fucked up because I was scared.”_ _

__Chris does feel a twinge of sympathy, and thinks, was it like this with Adam? Did Adam go through this by himself?_ _

__“I know,” he starts softly, “that you may think it’s about finding your sexuality and being secure in it. But sometimes that’s the difficult question and jumping headfirst into the difficult question hurts more than just one person,” he raises a brow at Austin, “sometimes the easier question to ask is, do I love this person, and how much am I willing to commit to them._ _

__“You can work out the finer details later,” Chris smiles, “for now, be sure of what you know. Do you love Adam?”_ _

__Austin pauses for a moment. “Yes.”_ _

__Chris could hit him in relief. “Thank the lord above. Then what are you waiting for? I think you have someone to apologise to.”_ _

__Austin smiles softly, something of gratitude._ _

__Chris really fucking needs a drink now._ _

__-*-*-*-*-*-*  
It’s raining. _ _

__Adam stares up at the sky, a melancholic smile at his lips, as if the sky was personally bestowing grief and an agony that rips at his heart upon him. The rain is sweet against his skin, so redolent of a time forgotten._ _

__Maybe that was a past life; a memory lost to time but never him._ _

__The bench digs into his skin, as soaked as he is. Adam doesn’t care._ _

__He’s slipped into numbness again, and the rain doesn’t even feel like it’s touching him. It is though, touching him, falling heavier as though it wished to hold him and ease the ache of his heart. He wants to feel something anything, other than the detachment of his head to his heart._ _

__“Adam.”_ _

__Its strange to compare, although maybe not, humans always have been a bit more animalistic in nature than they care to admit, but Adam feels like a deer in headlights, startled._ _

__“Austin.” His chest is heaving, sandy bob usual curls and waves flattened by the rain, strands matting together in the weight of the water. Adam rises from the bench._ _

__“Nebulae, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m so –“ Adam moves in long strides to stand in front of Austin. The other man babbles apologies, looking stricken with something – grief, loss, angst Adam doesn’t know._ _

__What he does know however is that he’s overcome with an emotion. It’s a fire, curling around his veins, burning the back of his eyes and the nerves in his hands. He’s lost for moment but it doesn’t last to long._ _

__His fist is curled, and he’s raising it up behind him long before he even realises what emotion he’s feeling. It comes to a climax then, as he brings it down and forward – it collides with Austin’s nose, the other man’s eyes wide as it does so._ _

__The red that gushes from his nose should be sickening but it isn’t, and Adam thinks passion, as he cries, cupping Austin’s face and bring their mouths together. For all he loves Austin he denied himself passion and it ruined him._ _

__He pulls away momentarily, resting their foreheads together, Austin’s mouth covered in blood and oddly familiar taste of copper tingling Adam’s tongue._ _

__“I’m sorry,” Austin murmurs before pushing their mouths together again and Adam sobs with relief._ _

__“It’s okay, thunder,” Adam says, voice wrecked._ _

__And that’s what Adam will remember. That’s what Austin will remember. For all their faults, they love each other, purely. As long as they commit, as long as they practice communication, trust and honesty, time is their only enemy._ _

**Author's Note:**

> Asdfghj, thank you for reading! 
> 
> Comment and give kudos if you enjoyed it! 
> 
> This is a work I posted on wattpad.
> 
> I'm not too proud of this all, I think it's rushed in someplaces and in others offers nothing to the reader but as my longest piece to date I'm extraordinarily proud of what I've accomplished with this piece and I can't wait to write more.


End file.
